Editor's note: This is the fifth in a series about Bert Gividen, of Orem. Should veterans of combat speak or write about their experiences? Gividen describes how he dealt with that question.

Then my family requested that I write my life story, and I now have to admit that recounting my military experiences has been beneficial to me personally. I have been able to get these suppressed thoughts out of my system and enjoy the feeling that "through time, I am finally getting away from them."

As I wrote the combat section of my history, I found that my hands became clammy, my adrenalin started to run again, and my muscles began to tighten. Nervous energy force me to quit writing, get up, and go for a walk before returning to the task at hand. It has been difficult to relive these experiences, but I have also felt a flood of something releasing from inside of me, and I now have the feeling that it is time to let go. I feel a calmness regarding these matters that I have never experienced before.

I feel that somehow I have cleansed my soul. I've got rid of a big burden.

I hope that what happened during this time in my life will be understood by those who read this history. What we did was under orders and necessary for our own survival. I have not attempted to write about all the things that happened to me -- that would take volumes. But I have included enough to give readers an idea that war is nothing but hell.

I hope my posterity understand that war is cruel and evil, and more than anything else, unfulfilling. How it tears at one's insides. How does one control anger over situations over which one has no control? And war takes that control away from you. You are at the mercy of others who direct your actions.

At this time in my life, I have come to grips with these experiences and no longer feel regret or concern. How did I ever get into that mess? It all just happened, and there is nothing I can do to change that. My journal sits on a shelf in my office at home. Nevertheless, many of the details of my experiences are best left alone to drift off into history.

Over the years, it has become very obvious why young men are called into the military. Older men are more cautious because of their experiences and responsibilities. Younger men want to prove something to themselves and everyone else. And battles are exciting. Younger men tend to think of themselves as invincible, not thinking of consequences.

Still, after a battle is over, you ask yourself, "What happened? What really happened? Did anything really happen. What was the cost, and who really cares? Especially 40 years later as I write this history?

Next week: Ten years later, Bert Gividen becomes a guest of the Korean government and industry when he, with 399 other Korean veterans, is invited back to Korea to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the signing of the ceasefire between North and South Korea. As he tours the profoundly changed country, even returning to the site of his battles, he reconsiders the purpose of his military service in the bloody Korean conflict. A later column will feature those changed views of the war he sacrificed to help fight.

These excerpts from local veterans are courtesy of the Orem Heritage Committee. Complete stories of the veterans will eventually be put on the Orem City Web site, www.orem.org. Readers aware of any veterans who have written about their military service are asked to arrange to have these archives in the Veterans History Project, Library of Congress. Phone Don Norton (225-8050) on how to do this.