We managed to obtain a transcript of a conversation between a Lab mix and a tabby cat who live near each other in a Utah County neighborhood:

Fluffy: Hey, Rex, did you hear the news?

Fluffy: The Utah Senate is close to passing a bill that would make animal cruelty a third-degree felony in Utah. And by animal they mean you and me: pet dogs and cats.

Rex: Oh, woof, that's great!

Fluffy: Pet mice and birds didn't make the cut. I guess they're too delicious -- I mean, that's too bad.

Rex: Oh, well, maybe in the next session of the Legislature.

Fluffy: But enough about them. It's about time the legislators gave us some attention. It's always people, people, people. I've suffered long enough.

Rex: You've been mistreated?

Fluffy: Heavens, yes. My human was five minutes late opening up my can of food last night. And it was a brand I don't like. Ah, the agony! Then he shooed me off my favorite chair. I'd just fallen asleep eleven hours earlier! The next time he tries that, I'll sic the law on him. If you'll pardon my language.

Rex: I don't know, Fluffy, my human is awful nice to me, most of the time.

Fluffy: You sucker, don't you see? This is your chance! Didn't they ever punish you?

Rex: Well, sure. Like when I make, you know, a mess. I was a bad dog.

Fluffy: But who gets to decide that? Them? And why are they so high and mighty?

Rex: Well, they do know how to operate the can opener. Open doors. Drive the car ...

Fluffy: But now even they're admitting they're not any better than us. This new law makes hurting us a felony. Negligent homicide of a human child is a Class A misdemeanor, whereas SB 297 would make a first offense of knowingly or intentionally torturing one of us a third-degree felony.

Rex: I don't understand that. I mean, what's torture?

Fluffy: Ask a rodeo animal.

Rex: It's going to be a felony for a human to hurt a rodeo animal? That will be the end of Strawberry Days and the Lehi Roundup.

Fluffy: Wait a minute, I mis-mewed. Rodeo animals are not covered by SB 297 even though the horses, steers and bulls suffer a lot more than we do. Can you imagine being one of those poor sheep who are tackled by runty little kids? They aren't protected either.

Rex: The Utah Legislature won't protect humans against hate crimes, but dogs and cats will be in a protected class if this bill passes?

Fluffy: Yup. You got it.

Rex: But that's just it. I DON'T get it.

Fluffy: You don't have to understand, ya dumb mutt. This is the Utah Legislature! All you need to know is that it's a good thing for you and me. I just think there's got to be a way to make a profit off this bill.

Rex: Any ideas?

Fluffy: Well, the bill protects domesticated dogs and cats. But how do the humans know who's domesticated and who's not? There are some feral cats living down the street. I bet I could go into business making false identification tags and little collars. The cats would be willing to pay for them in raw, uncut catnip.

Rex: (shudders)

Fluffy: Or bones. Whatever. Of course, we're not out of the woods yet.

Rex: Why not? There's plenty of trees around here.

Fluffy: Not that kind of woods, you moron. I mean, the bill's not final yet. The Senate has to vote once more, then the House has to vote three times, and the governor has to sign it. A lot can happen.

Rex: Well, I hope they hurry up. My master came home in a bad mood the other day and hit me with a rolled up newspaper for making a teeny, tiny little mess out of the trash can. I tell you, I just can't help myself sometimes. That stuff smells so good! With this law I can sue.

Fluffy: You think newspapers are dangerous weapons! Try a 12-year-old. The kid who lives at my house thought it would be funny to put a strip of masking tape on my fur. I tell you it gives me the willies. He even recorded it for YouTube at http://tapethecat.notlong.com . If the Legislature passes this cruelty bill, I swear I'll see him behind bars.

Rex: I hear you, buddy. But do you think neutering is cruel?

Fluffy: It certainly is! It's almost as bad as being a Democrat in the Utah Legislature.

Rex: Yeah, our reproductive rights deserve protection. We have as much right to be here as any human. Being forced into pet servitude is cruel by definition! They take away our reproductive rights and conduct breeding experiments! Didn't the Nazis try eugenics?

Fluffy: You're getting way too worked up. The Utah Legislature is on our side now. And this is just a paw in the door. We'll soon be on our way to fully protected constitutional rights!

Rex: Oh, I'll do anything for that! I'll sit! I'll beg! I'll roll over!

Fluffy: You're so embarrassing. Have a little self-respect. One step at a time. I think this bill is going to pass, and Gov. Huntsman won't dare veto it. They'd override for sure.

Rex: Oh, woof, do you think they would?

Fluffy: Stranger things have happened in the Capitol. It's a zoo up there.