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A Big, Fat Harry Deal: Demonstrating once again that maintaining peaceable relations with people whose cats have names like Hermione Granger and Bellatrix LeStrange ranks on its list of priorities somewhere below Accurately Representing the Known Laws of Physics and Enforcing the Geneva Popcorn Conventions, Hollywood has turned a deaf ear to the online petitions and shrieks of inarticulate anguish that resulted from the decision, announced last week by Warner Bros., to hijack the hopes and dreams of Harry Potter disciples from Nov. 21 to July 17.
That's right, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" is not coming to a theater near you until next summer. It's like a gigantic "Let them eat felix felices" from the Powers That Be. (And no, Hollywood is not just a word etched on a hillside in California. The black helicopters are real, Elvis lives in a rented cabana in the Canary Islands, and the movie industry is a harmonious collective in thrall to a shadow government with more billions than the GNP of Japan.) (The Geneva Popcorn Conventions were signed in 1953. Article XII states that "The amount of popcorn detritus, defined as being fragments, unpopped kernels and those flaky bits that get stuck between your teeth, shall not exceed 10 percent of the contents of any concessions purchase." Don't think you can hide forever, movie popcorn charlatans.) (By the way, did you know that the seventh "Harry" movie is actually going to be the seventh and eighth movies? When does the madness end, Potter party poopers?) Before you completely redraw your Thanksgiving weekend plans, however, it's worth noting that the gigantic Harry-Potter-shaped indentation on the release calendar has already been filled by the decision to move "Twilight" from Dec. 12 to Nov. 21. "Twilight" is not about Harry Potter, but it does have tragic longing, vampires, high school and legions of borderline lunatic fans. So, like Shane, Harry is not coming back ... but teenage undead romance is almost the same thing, right? -- Cody Clark |
