Parental influence desirable for 'emerging adults,' BYU study says These days, setting a child out on his own takes a lot more than cutting the apron strings, and it takes a lot longer, too.

On the surface, the idea of adult children taking longer to "grow up" might seem to be bad news for parents and could paint a generation as lazy and self-centered. But a growing body of research, including a few key studies by professors at Brigham Young University, seems to indicate that extending parental influence into early adulthood can be desirable and even necessary, especially in today's world. ¬ 

The reason is that most young adults, by their own admission, do not exhibit the qualities and abilities commonly associated with adulthood. In BYU professor Larry Nelson's study of college students and their parents, published in the Journal of Family Psychology in December, both old and young adults ranked accepting responsibility as the most important criterion for adulthood. And both groups agreed that the college students weren't adults yet -- only 16 percent of students considered themselves adults, and the same proportion of their parents agreed.

"It's sort of an in-between stage," Nelson said. "They're sort of in the process of acquiring those skills and abilities and attributes that they believe they need before they consider themselves full-fledged adults."

So it's not that they refuse to grow up, it's just that they're in the process of doing it, which has led to the term "emerging adults." Emerging adults are gaining autonomy in their lives (something Nelson and his colleagues say shouldn't happen all at once) and also establishing a foundation for a successful life (financially, emotionally and otherwise). But it wasn't always this way.

"Emerging adulthood is a function of our time, where there's this extended period of exploration," said BYU professor Laura Walker, who has conducted several studies of emerging adults with Nelson. "I think 50 to 100 years ago parents didn't matter in this way because kids were married. But parenting doesn't end anymore when kids are 18."

Changing times

Nelson said that America has changed in a few key ways, and those changes have contributed to the need for an in-between stage. Part of it is financial, he says, because it takes more nowadays to sustain a family than it did before, and that usually means more education. Walker said a bachelor's degree today is what a high school diploma was years ago.

Another part of it is related to social trends, particularly relating to marriage. High rates of divorce in recent years could be inspiring young adults to take longer when choosing a mate -- the average age at marriage is now 26 for women and 28 for men. Women are choosing to get more education now, which Nelson suggests is because they feel the need to be financially capable in the event of a divorce.

All this has made young people less eager to become adults. Nelson says they want to explore so they can get it right.

"I partly blame parents," he said. "Because I think children grew up listening to their parents come home from work and complain about their dead-end jobs, about how they're undervalued and under-appreciated. And the kids said, 'Holy cow, why would you want to grow up and take on these adult responsibilities?' So really there's a view of 'Why should I rush into being an adult when there's this time to explore and prepare myself financially and emotionally?' "

A parent's influence

The good news is that during this exploration period, parents can still be an enormous influence for good. Walker authored a study, published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence in February, which found that parents' knowledge of their children's lives was associated with low levels of risky behavior. In other words, the closer parents are to their children, the less likely it is that the children will drink alcohol, do drugs or engage in risky sexual behaviors.

But "closer," in this sense, does not refer to hovering over the child like a helicopter.

"That is not going to help the young person in this time period," Nelson said. "They need to be the ones to go see a professor about a grade and they need to go see the landlord about the rent. If you're overprotective or controlling, it's not going to be a good thing."

Hara Marano, an editor for Psychology Today magazine, wrote a book about this subject called "A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting," due out next week from Broadway Publishing Group. She says the cell phone is one of the worst things to happen to parenting.

"That's how parents maintain this almost constant contact with the kids," Marano said. "There's just much more input than any previous generation ever had."

As an example of how the cell phone is detrimental to a young adult's development, Marano said college students often call their parents soon after performing poorly on a test. "They walk out and the first thing they do is flip open the cell phone and tell mom and dad, 'Oh my gosh, I think I failed.' "

The parent, then, is prompted to act, and in many cases Marano said the parent tries to solve the child's problem, which she says is the sort of caretaking that cripples young adults.

"These kids have no coping skills," Marano said, "and it creates dependence because their parents jump in and do everything for them."

Marano theorizes that this over-involvement is born out of the parent's desire to see their children succeed. But helping children too much actually deprives them of the skills they need to handle real-life problems and succeed as adults.

"If that kid did not have access to the parents at every moment, that kid would be able to live with the results of that bad test for a few minutes," Marano said. "They'd sit and come up with a solution, like, 'I guess I need to study more' or 'I guess there's no more early weekends.' Instead, they use the cell phone and sort of dump their negativity on their parent, and you know, what parent wants to hear that negativity?"

Marano suggests not taking those phone calls or having planned times to speak with adult children. More broadly, she said parents should focus on coaching their children to solve their own problems rather than offering solutions to them.

Open communication

Walker said that the frequency of communication isn't as important as the focus of the conversations. In addition to coaching instead of caretaking, good communication is about freely offering information and not overreacting when the child reveals things -- all of which can reduce the child's participation in risky behaviors.

"Given what we know, my biggest advice would be to encourage open communications," Walker said. "Sometimes parents don't like to talk about things that are hard to talk about, like sex for example. But if you talk to your teens about that stuff openly, when they go off to college and they encounter situations that are different, they'll be willing to talk to you about it and they know you won't overreact or judge them."

That doesn't mean being permissive, she said, just opening the lines of communication. It's something that is more difficult with boys particularly.

"We're less likely to talk to boys about feelings and behavior," Walker said. "In our society in general it's not as acceptable for males to share their feelings, and the problem is magnified by the fact that it's more acceptable for them to participate in these risky behaviors. So parents need to make sure the boys have somebody to talk to as well."

Walker said there aren't specific areas of life parents should quiz their children about, although her research suggests that knowledge of the child's friends, free time and money is an indication of strong communication. She said it's less about knowing specific things and more about knowing the child. Rather than focusing on the behavior, parents should focus on the relationship.

"You don't need to know every breath they take," Walker said. "It's going to be different for every child. Some kids are going to like a call-me-every-day kind of parenting, and for others that would be totally unacceptable."

Jim MacArthur, director of the Counseling and Career Center at BYU, said he occasionally meets with students who are concerned about their over-involved parents. He said he generally advises them to honestly but respectfully tell their parents about how they feel, and then offer specific suggestions for improvement. For example, "Don't always tell me what to do. Let me try to figure things out myself first."

"Often, parents cannot improve the relationship because they do not know specifically what their child would like them to do differently," MacArthur said.

A purposeful period

Nelson sees emerging adulthood as a time that can be beneficial to young adults, especially if they use the time to prepare themselves. He suggested that young people use the time to get an education and settle on an identity so they can mature.

"If they go through this period purposefully, with those things in mind, it can be very productive and worthwhile," Nelson said. "If they go through this period living in the moment, playing around having fun, then I think it can set them off on a bad path."

For parents and children, it's a delicate time of balancing -- between being close and too close, and between exploring good behaviors and more risky ones. But Nelson said he always reminds parents that they can't force their children to do anything, even if they're afraid of the alternative.

"Their greatest fear is that the children won't fly," Nelson said. "But the other fear is that they will fly, and they won't be your baby anymore, they'll be an adult."