A new year means new resolutions. But where's the fun in making your own goals, especially when you know how unrealistic they arefi It's so much more enjoyable to make resolutions for other people. With that in mind, here is a list of 2008 newsmakers, both national and local, and the 2009 resolutions we humbly submit for their consideration.

Soon-to-be former President George W. Bush: Enjoy respite from national governmental crises and public shoe-dodging. Burnish legacy by re-entering baseball as majority owner of for-sale Chicago Cubs (new GM: D. Cheney). Also, hone butt-slapping technique for 2012 Summer Games in London

Newly elected President Barack Obama: Fix economy. Repair credit crisis. Rebuild failed housing market. Prop up cash-hemorrhaging stock exchanges. Decide which faltering industries to bail out. Promote tax relief. Fund government programs. Spend wisely. Reduce federal budget deficit. Change water into wine. Sell wine to pay down national debt. Oh, and get a move on, would youfi My SUV payment is past due.

Bestselling author, vampire-chic determiner and No. 1 "Mormon housewife" Stephenie Meyer: Carefully review list of "People who are allowed to receive pre-publication copies of my manuscripts" before completing forthcoming teenage mermaid romance novel.

Streak-pushing, 53-straight-home-wins-(and-counting)-amassing BYU Men's Basketball team: Remember when the NCAA Tournament wanted to have a sub-regional in Provo at the Marriott Centerfi Has anyone checked recently to find out whether they're still interestedfi (This is the year, guys. First NCCA Tournament victory since, um, Danny Aingefi Kresimir Cosicfi Yes we can.)

Utah Valley University: Revel (subtly) in newfound R-E-S-P-E-C-T after ditching "SC" and buying a vowel. Phone Southern Utah University in Cedar City for tips: "So, what's this 'university' thing all about, anywayfi"

Singing sensation and "American Idol" runner-up David Archuleta: Assert hip nickname of "Archie" to all interviewers and publicists. Preserve aura of freshness and sincerity by weeping openly at all public appearances, but grow mustache to improve street cred. Also, obtain high school diploma.

Hollywood/book publishers: Revise "2009 Top Trends" memo. New entry: teenage mermaids.

Adonis-like Olympian and gold-medal magnet Michael Phelps: Hire agent. Whoops, turns out there's no such thing as a multimillion-dollar pro sports swimming league. Fire agent. Pray for starring role in Stephenie Meyer teenage mermaid romance movie adaptation.

New Utah State University head football coach Gary Andersen: Change mind, reverse course, reconsider, have second thoughts, sound retreat, turn tail, jump back. "Utah Statefi I thought the interviewer said I'd be coaching college football."

Enigmatic, recording-studio-shy rock icon W. Axl Rose: Revel in critics-refuting release of long-delayed sixth Guns N' Roses studio album "Chinese Democracy." Remember to share free Dr. Pepper with Buckethead. Seek muse; vanish from sight. Commence preparations for decade-long development of next project, "Iraqi Regime Change."

Actor, Mormon movie icon and erstwhile beer salesman Kirby Heyborne: Forestall another "Brewgate" incident by only auditioning for Coke or energy-drink commercials. Hang in there: Development deals for "The Singles 3rd Ward" and "Son of the R.M." are sure to hit any day now. Also, that guy who was in "The Home Teachers" had the whole stolen laptop fiasco, so "The Home Teachers: Next Month's Visit" is wide open.

Unites States Secret Service: Brief all agents on proper projectile-interception measures. The next time that there are pictures of the POTUS ducking flung footwear all over the Internet, let's be sure that at least one of them features a Secret Service guy hurtling into the frame to "take a loafer" for the chief exec.

Alpine homeowner and freshman Rep. Jason Chaffetz: Stimulate economic recovery by purchasing new residence actually located inside affiliated congressional district. Also, when in doubt, blame a) Democrats, b) previous seat-holder and "Washington insider" Chris Cannon, c) illegal immigrants, d) "beltway" politics or e) (if all else fails) global warming.

Old Captain Kirk actor William Shatner: Shut up. No one cares that you are not in the new "Star Trek" movie.

New Captain Kirk actor Chris Pine: Be patient. No one cares that you are in the new "Star Trek" movie. Yet.

Lehi, Utah: Awake to the fact that Beehive State-friendly "High School Musical" duo of director Kenny Ortega and star Zac Efron are preparing to remake "Footloose." Pass legislation to reincorporate as Efronia, Utah.

(Seriously, shouldn't Kenny and Zac already be sleeping in the guest bedroom at Lehi Roller Millsfi It's the biggest Utah hosting scandal since the Salt Lake City games. Who can fix thisfi Who can save our local economyfi Is there anyone who's doing guest editorials for the New York Times and not running for president who knows about "Turnaroundfi")

Newly minted divorcee and Material Menopausalist Madonna: Phone Babs Streisand for September-April, entertainer-athlete dating tips. Just in case there really is nothing happening with A-Rod, check Yahoo! Personals monthly rate.

Newly re-elected Utah Gov. Jon M. Huntsman: Preserve distinguished (and camera-friendly) full head of perfect hair. Also, find failing Olympic games and step in to turn them around. It's only four more years until 2012.

Six-degrees-popularizing, full-head-of-hair-having, 50-year-old erstwhile child of the '80s Kevin Bacon: Send fruit basket to K. Ortega and Z. Efron. Maybe the John Lithgow role from the original is still in play.

Sparkly clean Sin City entertainers Donny and Marie: Harangue producers at The Flamingo Showroom to book new warm-up act featuring "Archie" and teenage mermaids. Viva Las Vegas!

Disney princess and state-centric-nickname-possessing, ex-"Stadium of Fire" special guest Miley Cyrus: Come back! There are still about 6,328 sad-eyed 13-year-old fans who never got tickets. As well as 11,798 profiteering scalpers who, uh, want to do the right thing this time ... and fleece desperate soccer moms immediately after the sellout -- when demand is highest -- rather than finding themselves washed up by an ill-advisedly consumer-baiting wave of kept-back tickets the week before the show.

Hitcom-generating "30 Rock" star and former "Saturday Night Live!" goddess Tina Fey: Thank heaven (often) for Sarah Palin.

Congress: (In case ol' P.B.O. needs a little assistance) Reduce skyrocketing bailout expense and revive faltering economy by legislating agenda of human sacrifice -- nationwide lottery selects one overcompensated CEO from banking, mortgage lending, automotive or other industry to be lobbed into active volcano every week until period of sustained recovery kicks in.

Reigning People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" and incoming Oscars-telecast emcee Hugh Jackman: Don't question it. Just enjoy the ride.