Caleb Warnock | Daily Herald

You've purchased Internet filter software to keep pornography away from your kids. Don't relax yet -- if you think your home is porn-free, you may need to think again.

• COMMUNITY LEADERS ARE WARNING that these days, tech-savvy Utah Valley teens are accessing porn in surprising ways.

At a recent conference at BYU, experts warned that teens can sometimes be several steps ahead of unwary parents.

"I have e-mails from parents whose child had managed to create an invisible user account," said Charles Knutson, who teaches computer science at BYU. "I'm a computer science professor but that doesn't mean I know everything. My first reaction was can you do that? I dove in and I was shocked. You can do that."

To get around filter software at home, "there are kids that are building a Linux boot disc, and they throw in a CD and you bypass everything," said Knutson. "There are bootable USB drives. There really is a subset of kids that are both tech savvy and committed to accessing inappropriate materials."

Those are just two ways to get around filters. In some instances, filters shut off Internet access after 10 p.m., so teens log in early and turn the computer monitor off. The computer looks shut down, but teens are sneaking back to surf porn after parents are asleep.

Crafting ways to overcome software filters can be part of the attraction for teens -- and teens have a tech-savvy social network, passing around information and educating each other on ways to access porn on the sly.

Even if your filter software is impenetrable, your neighbors may inadvertently be offering porn to your teens. Many families may not realize that a neighbor's unpassworded wireless Internet access spills over from one house to another, allowing teens to log into a neighbor's Internet to surf porn.

And many parents may not realize that game consoles such as Microsoft's Xbox can directly access the Internet, and youth who say they are up late playing computer games may in fact be doing something much different.

And if parents are monitoring all these avenues, teens may simply go to a friend's home to access these avenues, experts said. And with so many businesses now offering free wireless access, teens with laptops or hand-held Internet devices may need only go to the local park, or a business parking lot, to feed their craving.

In addition, Internet-capable cell phones are bringing porn to schools.

"I have clients looking at porn on their cell phones while sitting in math class," said Dan Gray, clinical director of LifeSTAR, a sex and pornography addiction treatment program.

And managing the natural curiosity of youth while they live at home is one thing, but graduating high school and moving in with college roommates can bring new levels of access and choices, experts said.

With teens facing so many avenues to porn, communicating with them regularly is key, said Knutson, who is also a father of ten. The sooner parents know what their children have seen online, and how they got to it, the better.

What is available to teens on the Internet is "very addictive and very corrosive" and youth can go from introductory porn to very dark material within minutes simply by clicking on links, he said.

Parents should have Internet filter software, but must also regularly track the "emotional and spiritual state" of their kids, he said. Withdrawal and changing habits could be signs that something is going on.

Youth must be taught that pornography is a drug addiction, and not figuratively, he said.

"That is literally because there are drugs released into your brain by your own body, and you literally become addicted to the drugs in your own body," he said. "Pornographers are drug peddlers, and it is powerfully addictive."

Parents should tell their children that if they have viewed porn, "you have been attacked by a drug dealer in a moral war and the reality is that because you are normal, it works," Knutson said. "The question is how did you feel spiritually? Did it make you feel more love toward girls or your mom? And I am LDS, so I can talk about the LDS perspective, about feeling the Holy Ghost.

"There is a moral dialogue that parents have to be courageous enough to have with kids."

Experts agreed that it is essential that parents don't crush a teen with angry lectures. Teen must understand that their sexual desire and drive is normal, but must be managed.

"We really need as a society to learn to protect our kids," said Cindy Moreno, president of Communities for Decency. "Pornography is available and will always be available. It is invading the walls of our homes. It is a different time and age, and open dialogue is so important. You have to say the word pornography. They are going to hear it."

Parents must ask their children directly what they have seen and experienced, and how they got access, she said.

"Ask them when was the last time you have seen this," she said. "A lot of parents would be surprised by what they say."

Parents should begin early to make sure children are comfortable discussing their body with their parents, said Gray.

"Hopefully parents are talking to their children from a young age about sexuality and body image and healthy touch and bad touch, helping children feel comfortable in talking about their body parts," he said.

Parents should begin this process probably by age seven or eight, and make the discussion more focused as children approach puberty, discussing what body changes and sexual feelings mean and how they should be managed.

The subject of pornography should be broached early because children are exposed to provocative images, if not outright porn, at an early age, and those images can bring on sexual feelings.

When dealing with a child who has viewed pornography, "first of all, be careful not to shame them, not make them feel bad or evil," Gray said. "Some parents will get panicked and try to pull out the shame and guilt card and try to control the child with guilt."

Parents should not demonize sexuality because if teens "get the message that sexual thoughts and feelings are bad, and they feel them so strongly, the conclusion they draw is that they are bad and wrong and they are a hopeless case, unworthy of God's love, or the love of mom and dad. They come away with low self-worth and think 'Now I'm a lost cause.' "

Parents should find out how their teen viewed the porn and take action. If it was at a friend's home, speaking to the parents of the friend is essential.

And even if they think children are not listening, parents should explain, over and over as time goes on, the dangers of looking at pornography, that it is a "fake" sexual experience that can leave teens with an unrealistic view of human sexuality, that it encourages them to treat people as objects, and that it can have a lasting affect on their relationships, Gray said.

And while some youth may not immediately respond to the moral or religious aspects of pornography, "they are open to hearing that their brain is going through a process, and if they are not careful they can become addicted, just like drugs and alcohol," Gray said.

If a child continues to look at pornography despite intervention, professional help should be considered, he said.

Children leaving home for the first time must also be encouraged to check in with their parents regularly, and taught "what you are going to do if a roommate is looking at porn, how to handle it, how to set boundaries with others," Gray said. Parents should also help their children establish filters on their computers away from home.

• Caleb Warnock can be reached at 433-3263 or cwarnock@heraldextra.com.