The summer before her senior year at Brigham Young University, Ava started feeling bad.

"I felt totally worthless, and my thoughts were just racing," she said.

She was angry and losing her appetite. At first she was diagnosed with depression and placed on medication, but it wasn't working. She was later diagnosed as bipolar. Today, Ava is managing her mental illness and helping others to cope through the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

The Daily Herald is not using her last name because of the stigma associated with mental illness.

On Tuesday she told her story to a group of Utah Valley State College students as part of an ethics forum. She works with a NAMI program called In Our Own Voice: Living with Mental Illness.

Ava is one of the 57.7 million Americans who experience mental health disorders, according to NAMI. In Utah, depression is a serious problem. Mental Health America ranked Utah last for the state's depression status, meaning Utah is the most depressed state in the union.

David Yells, chairman of the behavioral science department at UVSC, said mental illness can be an acute problem for college students.

"Mental illness is kind of the hidden problem," Yells said. "There's evidence now that mental illness is becoming increasingly apparent in college students."

When Malm went back to the doctor, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but things were not getting better.

"I just really started to hate my life," Ava said.

She felt her life was falling apart and she couldn't fix it. For the first time in her life, Ava thought about killing herself.

"It seemed, at that point, like the most logical answer to my problems," Ava said.

She was poised to overdose when her phone rang, she said. It was her mother, and Ava debated picking it up. She did answer, and her mother's call saved her life.

After that, Ava moved home to California to be with her parents. It took a year before she was stable enough to return to Utah and graduate from college.

"It's like your own personal hell," Ava said.

Jean McBride, who is living with several disorders, including obsessive compulsive disorder and post traumatic stress disorder, told the students she got to a point where she just wanted to go to bed and never get up. But thoughts of her son and daughter kept her from killing herself.

Ava said she copes with her illness by using medication, seeing a psychologist, talking to a therapist, basking in the support of her family and relying on her religious beliefs. She also likes to go to the gym.

"I always feel better afterwards," she said.

McBride said she makes sure she practices good, consistent sleep habits and eats healthily and often. She tries to keep busy and is involved with NAMI as the BRIDGES Coordinator. BRIDGES is a class that teaches about mental illness and how to better deal with it.

Ava said that in the beginning, bipolar disorder was a trial, but now she can say her attitude has changed because she is dealing with her problems and helping others.

"I felt cursed, and now I can say I feel blessed," she said.

NAMI has several resources in Utah County. For more information, visit namiut.org. Services are available for UVSC students at the student health center.

• Brittani Lusk can be reached at 344-2549 or at blusk@heraldextra.com.