You get to stop blaming.

About two dozen people gathered at Lehi City Hall Friday night for the kickoff event of Lehi Marriage Week, which ends on Valentine's Day. Marriage and family therapist Roger McKenzie spoke, challenging those in attendance to change themselves instead of blaming any misery in their marriages on others.

"My purpose is to help us break through some barriers and communicate and have success in our marriages," he said. "I promise you that if you leave here and live by these principles I talk about tonight, your life will change."

Change is the first key to retooling a tired marriage, he said.

"When it comes to couples changing and having a better relationship, it's time to stop thinking about changing the other person," he said. "If I'm making the choice that I'm a victim, then I have just bought into one of the biggest social lies there is.

"The greatest thing is that no matter how miserable my marriage may be, I'm responsible for me. I make the choice. I'm responsible for my happiness and my misery."

Spouses should think carefully about what is causing unhappiness in their marriage and then figure out a way to change it, he said.

"You get to stop blaming," he said. "Once you make the decision to take care of you, that automatically invites your spouse to take care of themselves."

Being dishonest with a spouse is like having a cup with a hole in the bottom, he said.

"We live in a kind of bizarre society, especially here in Utah Valley," he said. "We believe we can walk around with a cup with a hole in the bottom and still give."

Spouses must also be accountable to themselves, and learn to live outside their comfort zone, he said.

"Once I get out of my comfort zone, I can achieve greater things than I could before," he said. "We are so into oneness. We have to be one. We are not made to kind of blend together. I love my individuality. I don't want to be completely like my wife. I love the characteristics she has but I don't want to be her, and I definitely don't want her to be me. To me that would be the scariest thing of all."

Parents should also avoid encouraging their children to be like them, he said.

"Let children be themselves and grasp the beauty of who they really are," he said.

"I just want him to go snorkeling with me," said Wendy Brooks of Lehi, sitting in the audience and gesturing to her husband, Peter, sitting beside her. "I even bought bifocal snorkeling stuff."

"Go snorkeling," McKenzie said with a wide smile.

Once married, people tend to become reluctant to go outside their comfort zone, preferring to watch a football game instead of talking, for example, he said.

More than anything in a marriage, women want know their spouse loves and desires them, he said.

Conversely, a husband's greatest fear is that he will lose his job.

Spouses do not have to feel responsible for each others emotions, he said.

"Marriage is about being totally honest with our feelings," he said. "Be emotionally flexible. Flexibility means meeting your spouse where they are."

McKenzie asked those in attendance to decide immediately on one thing they could change in their marriage.

"You get to decide because you deserve it," he said. "You are deserving of a better relationship, everyone in here."

TWO INFOBOXES

On Feb. 11, as part of Lehi Marriage Week, the Lehi Community Council will host "A Community Celebration of Marriage" with keynote speaker Matt Townsend, a professional marriage coach, at 7 p.m. at the Lehi Stake Center, 200 N. Center Street in Lehi.

Five keys for a better marriage from Roger McKenzie:

- Start by changing yourself.

- Keep your word.

- Be accountable.

- Get out of your comfort zone.

- Be emotionally flexible.

This story appeared in The Daily Herald on page D1.