When your boss provides harsh feedback on a report you wrote, are you eager to jump back in on another project with them? If the other parents at the classroom party laugh at your storebought cookies when they clearly spent hours on their Instagram-worthy sugar cookies, are you going to sign up to bring a treat again? Of course not.

It’s hard to remember that our kiddos feel the same way. These kids are young and don’t yet have the shame resiliency to process and grow from the small traumas we experience in life.

Do you remember being five, six, maybe seven? You would draw a horse, take it into your mom and she’d gush over how amazing of an artist you’d be one day. Dr. Brene Brown teaches in her book “The Power of Vulnerability” that one day, things change and your round ball with a face on it and five misshapen legs is no longer full of potential but is seen as a sweet attempt lacking talent. You suddenly are graded on your art attempts and are no longer the artist you thought you were. Now, your attempts at art are shameful. Dr. Brown continues by describing how 85% of men and women have “art scars” that developed in school and keep us from engaging in creativity throughout the rest of school and into our life.

So. Do you keep drawing? Do you improve your coloring skills? Learn how to apply better shading techniques? For the majority of us, we stop. We put it away and hide these things that are causing us shame.

Every one of us can go back and think about times in school where we felt humiliated. It doesn’t necessarily revolve around art and creativity. For some, maybe you shared a piece of writing and felt embarrassed by your attempts. Perhaps math didn’t come naturally and you were scared to have to go up to the board and demonstrate how to solve a problem. Even exchanging papers with a partner and getting back a 2/10 on your spelling test. Each moment we experience these small traumas, we deepen the natural urge to avoid the triggers to protect ourselves. This, by definition, is the development of anxiety.

In this week’s episode of the EveryDay Strong podcast, we talk with therapist Derek Larsen about how perfectionism and past experiences can harm our children’s abilities to perform well at school. He describes how our kids are subjected to these shame triggers daily. Continually being told you aren’t measuring up, you aren’t succeeding, you aren’t good enough triggers their fight or flight instincts in order to protect them from emotional harm. These instincts become part of their subconscious nature and avoidant tendencies take over.

A past trauma surrounding academic success turns into what we mistakenly call procrastination. Social rejection and insecurities develop into introverted shyness. The judgment of parents can lead to a lack of sharing our daily struggles.

That’s why it’s so important that when your kids come to you with an F on their report card, tears in their eyes over a joke someone made about them, or the fear that they won’t make the team, you need to validate these feelings. You need to remember what it felt like to be 10 years old and to hear that your horse that once was the best horse on the planet now looks like a balloon. Sit with your kids in their emotions and feel the pain with them. Then, once they’ve had a chance to process the feelings, take the next step forward with them. As our chidlren develop the resilience to keep moving even when they encounter hard times, they will develop the confidence to tackle any challenge they encounter.

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected, and confident. You can listen to our latest podcast episode at anchor.fm/everydaystrong (or on Apple Podcast and Spotify). Learn more about us at everydaystrong.org.

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