A study done by Utah State University found that “couples who reported disagreeing about finance once a week were over 30 percent more likely to get divorced than couples who reported disagreeing about finance a few times a month.” The study results will likely shock few, but reminds us of how important finances can be in a marriage.

One may questions why money plays such an important role. Jonathan Sherman, LMFT, explains that we all have beliefs and feelings about money. “We start forming these beliefs and feeling from a young age. We think we are arguing about money when in reality it is really about beliefs,” said Sherman. When people fight with each other they try to convince the other person to their side. What really happens is that the other side becomes more entrenched in their beliefs and the gap of disagreement seems larger than before.

The best course of action is to look to validate the other person’s views and negotiate a plan that both parties can agree to. Mr. Sherman gives three ways to accomplish this validating and negotiation.

First, take a sheet of paper and title it the “Our Way Plan” at the top. Then write the subject of disagreement as the subtitle (ex. “How We Spend Money, How to Budget, etc…). Then divide the rest of the paper into three columns. Title the far right column “His Way”, the far left column “Her Way” and the middle column “Our Way”. Then take turns listening to each others views on the subject and write down what the other person has to say. Then compare columns and see what commonalities there are.

Second, it is important during this exercise to shut up and listen. Listen with out reacting either verbally or non verbally in a negative way. It is important to remember that what ever is coming out of the other person’s mouth is important. If they are taking time to express it, then it must be important. Truly listening is one of the great ways to break tension. So often one listens and tries to process a comeback as the other person is talking. The other person can tell when one is not listening. It just adds frustration and fuel to the fire. The problem in marriage is how we fight about handling money more than the actual dollar and cents. We need to find a way to communicate without the fighting.

Third, remember that good communication is characterized by being slow and careful, not fast and careless. This is something that takes time and requires effort. There is a need for patience and giving a true effort from both parties.

By then end of these steps, both parties have come to an “Our Way” plan and have hopefully been able to start communicating more effectively. There will be times that both sides are so far entrenched in their way that a third party professional is needed to help bring both sides back together. Mr. Sherman invites any one looking to improve their current relationship to check out his “freebies” on his website at http://marriageenvy.com/products/freebies/.

Robert E. Shelton is an American Fork City councilman and financial advisor at cb Financial Advisors. Advisory services offered through BFC Planning, Inc. (BFCP). Registered Representative of and securities offered through Berthel Fisher & Company Financial Services, Inc. (BFCFS). Member FINRA/SIPC. BFCP, BFCFS and cb Financial Advisors are not affiliated.