A Provo resident wrote to Mayor John Curtis last week and sent a copy to me:

”Dear Mayor Curtis: Being a long-term Provo citizen, I feel privileged living where there is order and peace.

”One disorder that for years has disturbed me, however, is Provo’s tolerance of homeless people ‘camping out’ in the very center of town! Over the years there has been a succession of them …

”Example: Yesterday while waiting at the University Avenue stop light, I watched as ‘that guy’ (name unknown to me) gave himself a sponge bath. Standing in plain sight and stripped to the waist he washed himself with a wet cloth. No self-consciousness; no shame. Where he sleeps I know not, but obviously he lives there by day. In my estimation his presence is a scourge to us all. In years past that corner was also occupied by a black man (for several years), and by another man. Their presence contributes nothing to our beautiful city but a blotch.

”In your efforts to combat this offense to us all, please list my name with those who ‘don’t like it either.’ — Sincerely …”

A cover letter was addressed to me: ”Dear Mr. Editor: Today I mailed this self-explanatory letter to Mayor Curtis. … I wondered if it might be something you could use also. If so, you have my permission to use it as is or completely re-write it however you like.”

OK, since he gave me carte blanche, I’ll take a stab at rewrite:

Dear Mayor Curtis: I am disturbed by the homeless trash that occupies the center of our city like vermin. They need to be run out. Sure, they’re down on their luck — so destitute that they are forced to wash themselves in public. I’ve even seen an actual black man there, right at the corner of Center and University!!

I can’t tell if these men are hungry — I never bothered to ask. But they are certainly rude to attempt to maintain a minimal level of hygiene when it’s obviously impossible with nothing but concrete beneath their feet and blue sky overhead. A homeless man with his shirt off is like a wealthy man without his BMW. It’s just plain offensive to us all.

I urge you to hurry up and finish the new water feature at Pioneer Park so that these blotches who taint our city can wash themselves away from the street. (Just make sure there aren’t any children splashing around when they do.) Why, oh why did you have to pipe the open ditch that used to run by the park? Ditch water might have at least contained the blotches to one part of town.

Who knows where these foul individuals go at night — I never asked them. But it must be comfortable enough because they keep hanging around. If it were uncomfortable, of course, they would cease to infest our fair city. We are making things too easy for them. They are obviously taking the city’s new slogan, “Welcome Home,” a bit too literally. They’ve got to go.

Couldn’t you just order the Provo police to pick up the human refuse and haul it to Springville or Eagle Mountain? Animal control is part of your job. I don’t want to know what you do with them just so long as they’re gone.

Please don’t ask me to show any signs of compassion. And do not ask me to do anything about this personally. That’s what I’m paying you for. I get my fill of compassion once a week at church.

Once you remove the scourge, I will once again count it my privilege to live in a city of order and peace.