‘Big Pizza Sliders’ may be a misnomer, but they’re no miss
This week I reached out for some new Big Pizza Sliders from the No. 1 pizza-pie twirler, Pizza Hut, with 6,000 restaurants in all 50 states … but the only one that matters is the Hut that delivers to your neighborhood. I have the phone number memorized, yet I sometimes fumble when someone asks for my cellphone number. I might be eating too much pizza.
“Big Pizza Sliders” may be the most confusing name ever for a fast-food product. Two of the words are wrong — they’re not big, and they’re not sliders. That’s part of the literacy problem in the U.S., too — of the three R’s taught in schools, two of the words don’t start with “R.”
Here’s the Big Pizza Slider blueprint: a small, round pizza, 3½ inches across, with your choice of up to three toppings.
Total calories: 250. Fat grams: 12. Sodium: 630 mg. Carbs: 26 g. Dietary fiber: 1 g. Protein: 11 g. Manufacturer’s suggested retail price: three for $5, or nine for $10.
Obviously the smart money is on nine for $10. It’s like getting three for free. And you know our mantra in the drive-thru: “If it’s free, it’s for me.”
Big Pizza Sliders are not big, they’re small. They’re about the size of an English muffin or a bagel. They’re not sliders, because sliders are commonly miniature burgers. But Pizza Hut is using the word “Sliders” to mean anything mini-sized — like Tom “Slider” Cruise.
Big Pizza Sliders are made with the Hut’s pan pizza dough, so they have a flaky texture and buttery flavor. They’re almost sweet, like pastry. We like pastry.
To get a grip on the size, Pizza Hut’s personal pizzas are 6 inches across, so these are a smidgen more than half the size. But the real value in Big Pizza Sliders is variety. If you order the nine-pack, you can get three different pizzas with up to three different toppings.
For example: I order three of them with pepperoni, sausage and bacon … three with mushrooms, green peppers and olives … and three with sausage, green peppers and bacon. And since variety is the spice of life, I shook a little crushed red pepper on mine.
Each Big Pizza Slider equals one slice, give or take a bite. So it’s really a shape thing, not a size matter. Although size does matter, and there are rare food occasions when less is more. Big Pizza Sliders fit in kids’ lunch boxes better than a triangle slice of last night’s pizza. And these are perfect for kids’ birthday parties, where you don’t want the precious muffins pulling apart large pizzas and touching everybody else’s slices. It’s flu season, remember.
Big Pizza Sliders are a novelty item, a pizza gimmick. They’re fun. Children will love them. A three-pack along with your regular pie is the way to go.
Unless little Johnny is having friends over — then the nine-pack.