This week I reached out for a new Spicy Chicken Burrito, available for a limited time only at Taco Bell.

This will go down as a landmark event in the history of fast food. There is now officially nothing left in Earth’s pantry to stuff inside a burrito.

Here’s the blueprint: 1.5 ounces spicy shredded chicken, 1.5 ounces seasoned rice, .5 ounce Creamy Jalapeno sauce and .75 ounce Fiesta Salsa, all rolled tightly in a 10.5-inch flour tortilla.

Total calories: 420. Fat grams: 18. Dietary fiber: 4 grams. Manufacturer’s suggested retail price: $1.29.

Only $1.29fi Give me four of ’em … and a Diet Pepsi. I’m cutting back on calories. I’m starting to have trouble squeezing behind my steering wheel, which is already pushed back as far as it goes. Five more pounds and I’ll be driving from the back seat of my car.

The Spicy Chicken Burrito marks a couple of other breakthroughs for Taco Bell as well. First, this burrito uses shredded chicken instead of chicken strips. The meat is pre-shredded at centrally located shredding facilities throughout the country. Hey, former Enron accountants had to find work somewhere, rightfi

But more importantly, the Spicy Chicken Burrito uses dark-meat chicken. Hooray! I am so tired of boring, dry, tasteless white-meat chicken breasts. I have been doing this weekly fast-food column for more than eight years. I can’t look at another “healthy alternative” chicken-breast sandwich. Every drive-thru in America offers chicken-breast this and chicken-breast that. I wonder if mad scientists have genetically altered chickens to produce massive, commercially profitable breasts and scrawny thighs and legs — like plastic surgeons have done in Hollywood.

When it comes to chicken, I’m a thigh and leg man. I like chickens with some extra junk in their trunk. Dark meat is juicier and more flavorful. OK, dark meat has more calories and fat, but eating is supposed to be fun. Live a little; enjoy yourself. Make it three burritos instead of four.

Another difference with the Spicy Chicken Burrito: Usually Taco Bell grills a chicken breast, slices it into strips and pours the good stuff, like spicy sauces and cheese, on top. But with the Spicy Chicken Burrito, Taco Bell dumps the shredded chicken into a bubbling cauldron of spicy Mexican sauce, made with red chilies, garlic, onion, jalapeno peppers, paprika and tomatoes. The flavor seeps into the meat for hours. It’s the Sloppy Joe Syndrome, and the result is the tastiest burrito in Taco Bell history. And the sloppiest. Remember, this is not first-grade penmanship. Neatness does NOT count in fast food. In fact, I take points off if I arrive home stain- and crumb-free.

The Fiesta Salsa is a mix of chopped tomatoes, onions and cilantro. Taco Bell, like every other fast-food chain, is trying to offer lower-fat, skinnier versions of its most popular menu items. In most cases, Taco Bell simply substitutes salsa for cheese or sour-cream sauces. With the Spicy Chicken Burrito, if you want to eat healthier, just say, “Hold the jalapeno sauce, please.” That reduces the calories to 360 and fat grams to 11. Which means you can order five Spicy Chicken Burritos!

This story appeared in The Daily Herald on page B1.