The first rule of Tigress Women’s Self Defense is do not say you’re sorry to instructors when you throw an instructor. We tell them this because every time they throw an instructor to the ground they get caught up in saying they are sorry about what they’ve done, instead of reveling in the thrill of how well they have performed the technique. They are communicating to themselves that what they’ve done is something regrettable instead of something fantastic.

In life, we do not say we’re sorry for a success that we achieve but when we are wrong we do apologize. It would be wonderful if I were standing in a crowded grocery aisle and someone passed me with little room to spare and they said “excuse me, please” instead of “sorry.” I know they are not “sorry.” They have done nothing shameful but have only forgotten the correct way to address that kind of situation.

I have seen too many times where a mother tells her child to “go say you’re sorry!” That is so worthless to the child and the person they apologize to. The apology is a lie. Do not teach your child to lie about their feelings.

I have a fantastic spouse who is honest and good. I know that when she says she is sorry she means it. I know that she feels the same about me because we do not abuse the word in our family.

As a family, we insist that it is better to give a genuine apology than to just “say you’re sorry.” The positive result of this rule is that when someone apologizes you know they mean it and life can continue on. The apology is not always immediate but it is sincere. We have a trust between us built on honest feelings toward each other.

In the world of self-defense when you are learning techniques and you hurt someone it’s understood on both sides that someone can get unintentionally hurt. When you’re learning new self-defense techniques, perform it well and then do inadvertently hurt someone, it is not something regrettable but something impressive because you learned and performed the lesson well.

Severely injuring someone on purpose or carelessly, of course, is shameful during practice but causing some amount of temporary pain is not something shameful. We all accept that we may get hurt. We are all there to learn and to grow together. So when we say “do not say you’re sorry” to our students we are saying enjoy the moment and the thrill of performing the technique so very well.

Do not worry about the instructor. That’s why they are there. They expect to be hurt but not injured. “Injury,” in my terms, is something that puts you in the hospital but “hurt” is a minor temporary pain. Feel free to love yourself enough to enjoy the thrill of executing a well-done technique. When you say you are sorry when you have done something spectacular you give your brain mixed signals. You tell your brain that what you did is shameful. When in fact what you did was wonderful, excellent and commendable.

Let us work harder to kick the bad habit of saying sorry for things we do not need to be sorry for. If we do this then we will bring back meaning to the word “sorry” and honesty in our communication.

I fully believe in the value of a sincere apology when I have done something wrong. I hope this helps you prioritize your communication with others, to value a sincere apology, and consider in your heart if you are sorry or are you just saying it out of habit. Stay sharp.