Just as every adult seeks connection, every child needs to feel connected too.

The Harvard Graduate School of Education explains that children who feel connected to at least one adult in their life have a greater chance of overcoming trauma and adversity than children who lack connection: “When confronted with the fallout of childhood trauma, why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential?

“A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult.”

The parent-child connection is one of the most important for a child who is struggling with their mental health. Yet, connection is not built overnight. Neither is it attained through extravagant gestures.

Connection is built through small, consistent efforts. It can be a hug or a gaze. It can be asking about a person’s passions or kind expressions. It can’t be measured; rather, you know it when you feel it.

Children will be most likely to remain motivated, practice skills and master material under the care of adults who really see them, love them and delight in having a relationship with them. As they say, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

Here are some examples of ways to care for our kids’ and teens’ needs for connection.

See them: Make an effort to notice interesting details about a child and find an opportunity to comment on them. For example, you could say, “I see headphones around your neck a lot. Music must be a pretty big part of your life.” Or, “You’ve been shooting a lot of hoops lately. I appreciate how hard you’ve been working to improve.” Commenting on something small about a child, or praising their efforts to become better, lets them know you notice their interests and that you love them for them.

Love them: Share more often or more deliberately why you love being their parent, teacher, coach, etc. Get involved in what they like to do. If they like to play video games, play video games with them! If they enjoy sports, ask them to teach you something about that sport. When you show interest in what they like to do, your children will feel loved.

Delight in them: Give children your full attention when they talk with you. Set aside the phone or put a pause on multitasking. Then, rather than necessarily commenting on what they shared, let them know how much you enjoy watching them think and their unique perspective on life. Let them know you love every part of them!

Share memories: Children know that parents and adults have lots of responsibilities in their lives. They likely wonder at some level whether an adult ever thinks about them specifically or uniquely. Try sharing with a child a specific memory you have of them to communicate that it “stuck” with you in some small way. Doing so lets them know they are more important than your other responsibilities.

Persist and insist: As children grow older, they naturally look for connections in friends and peers. This is developmentally appropriate. However, the parent-child relationship is just as, if not more, important during adolescence. Teenagers will push back and seem uninterested in connection with parents and adults. Regardless, parents must persist and insist on connecting. If connection isn’t successful one day, try again the next. The mere attempt to connect is enough to meet our teens’ need to connect.

With all of the responsibilities parents have, it is easy to forget to make undivided connections with our kids. We often wait until the weekend or a vacation to make those connections. While family vacations are great ways to build connections and memories, we must not allow this to be our only time for connecting.

We can make connection a daily habit by practicing simple forms of connection with our teens and children. Doing so will not only strengthen relationships but will promote a lifelong ability to overcome adversity.