Many adults struggle to feel confident in their actions as parents. Identifying areas in our lives that need improvement is healthy and motivating, but constant doubt and shame can be counterproductive and debilitating.

Not only do these negative feelings have a harmful effect on parents themselves, but an adult’s lack of confidence in their parenting skills can create in their children, a lack of confidence.

Scott McConnell, a therapist and CMHC at The Greenhouse here in Utah County, addresses the issue of confident parenting. When asked how he helps struggling parents McConnell said, “A lot of parents feel … shame and … it’s perfectly normal. A lot of times it comes from a good place. As a parent, if I really care about my kid and their wellbeing, I’m noticing that maybe I could do things better, which is helpful. (The problem comes from) interpreting it as, there’s something wrong with me. And so instead of (doing) that, let’s come up with some clear strategies for doing (things better). There’s always room for growth. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.”

McConnell explains that once you start to think that you are “bad” and feel shame, you can get caught in a loop where all your behavior is a response to that thought. He says you will “either go into depression and hopelessness or … into a place of trying to make excuses, justify (your) actions or … (place the) blame on someone else. If (you) really want to address a problem, (you) need to address the mistake or shortcoming or the lack of knowledge (you) have.”

“It is very normal for someone to need to learn skills on how to do things better,” McConnell says. This is especially true for those who don’t agree with the way their parents raised them. He suggests reading parenting books, getting therapy and emulating other parents whose style seems right to you.

Scott says, “Something that can really build parent confidence is (having) a clear vision of what I’m even trying to accomplish as a parent and when I have tools for being able to accomplish that. And then when I am able to see those successes, then that builds my confidence because I can see that what I’m doing is effective.”

He believes that the main purpose of parenting is to prepare your child for adulthood. “There are certain skills that kids need to learn in order to navigate that transition such as learning self control, learning to overcome problems and believing that they have the ability to overcome problems, and being able to make good decisions and being able to think for themselves. Those kinds of core skills really help with that transition.”

McConnell emphasizes that parents need to get out of the mindset of feeling shame and look for ways to improve. “Our focus should really just be on growth. You don’t get success without failure. We need to not be afraid of failure because failure is actually part of our recipe for success.”