Tales from Utah Valley: Don’t forget about birth mothers this Mother’s Day
Mark Humphrey, Associated Press
In this photo taken on April 21, 2009, Holly Spann poses for a photo in Nashville, Tenn., with her file of papers that deal with her search to find the daughter she gave up for adoption in 1971. She began her search in 1980 and located her daughter in 1995.As we prepare for Mother’s Day, coming up next week, it’s important to remember some mothers who are often forgotten – birth mothers. Mother’s Day can be a day each year that is painful for some, including birth mothers who placed their children for adoption.
While Mother’s Day is always the second Sunday in May, there is another day set aside for birth mothers – the Saturday before Mother’s Day. This day was established in 1990 by a group of birth mothers. But whenever we choose to acknowledge it, birth mothers deserve the respect and adoration that all mothers do.
While looking up information online, I came across a few sites that list things to never say to a birth mother who has placed her baby for adoption. Although people say these things not knowing that they might be hurtful, it’s better to avoid saying them at all if possible. The first one is, “You gave your child up for adoption.” This can be hurtful and insinuate that the mother “gave up on” or “gave away” her baby, when in reality, she made a difficult and loving choice for her baby.
“You gave him or her a better life.” I have probably said this myself a couple of times, not realizing that it could mean that the birth mother couldn’t have possibly given her baby a good life. While it may very well be the reason that she chose adoption, it might be best if we don’t assume that is the case.
Another one is, “How do you think your child will feel?” It’s already difficult enough to place a baby for adoption. We don’t need to say things that may add feelings of guilt or worry.
One thing that is suggested is that we do talk about it with the birth mother, if she feels comfortable doing so. Follow her lead and her wishes. By ignoring the fact that she is a birth mother, we may be perpetuating a stigma or acting as if the birth of her baby wasn’t important. On the other hand, she may want to keep it private and to herself. Ask her if she would ever like to talk about it.
As an adoptive mother, I have nothing but admiration and respect for mothers who so selflessly choose to do what they feel is best for their children. There are many different reasons that they choose this. I have seen the anguish felt when saying goodbye to a sweet baby and I know, from experience, that adoption is a miracle of love for all involved.
Whether celebrated on Birth mother’s Day – May 13 – or on Mother’s Day – May 14, honoring and celebrating birth mothers is something worth doing.
