One such battle commonly occurs when a parent suggests their child would benefit from therapy. There are many different reasons for this reluctance. Going to therapy may make a child feel that they are “broken,” they may not think they need therapy, they may worry that the therapist will tell their confidential thoughts to their parents, or they may not see any value in going.

Even after a young person has met with a psychologist, they may avoid returning. Some reasons for this include feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable, not “clicking” with their therapist or not feeling supported by their parents.

How can parents help their children feel safe to open up to a therapist? How can parents persuade their children to do anything they are resistant to?

Allan Pauole, LCSW, shared some of his ideas about interacting with a defiant child or teen. He emphasized that acting with humanity and compassion is much better than getting into a power struggle.

He said, “When it comes to any kind of resistance to doing … therapy, band practice, softball or anything else, that’s when you open the door to having a dialogue with him. And I’m just not normally a fan of … bribing kids or giving them a punishment. I’m really a bigger fan of talking about it with them, and talking with the idea of trying to understand their perspective.”

He says that if parents will set their egos aside, they may be surprised at the reasons their child gives for not wanting to do something. Pauole advises parents to be vulnerable, curious and understanding.

Pauole explains, “I stand by the idea that calmness is contagious. I think you (should) go into it with a very calm approach, not looking to “fix” per se, but just to understand. It really has a way of communicating that this is not a punishment, this is a chance to get some insight and some understanding. I think (it’s) also (helpful) to share some personal antidotes or personal experiences that you’ve had. And it doesn’t have to be anything over the top, but relating and talking with your children.”

“What to do if Your Teen Refuses to Go to Counseling,” an article from verywellmind.com also offers parents some advice on encouraging young people to go to therapy:

• Share why you think therapy would be helpful.
• Listen to and respect your teen’s ideas.
• Consider online counseling or a different therapist than the one they’ve been seeing.
• Consider going to therapy on your own for parent training.
• Look into available resources through the school, where a child may be more comfortable.
• Create a contract with your teen where they agree to go to a certain number of sessions before deciding whether or not they want treatment.

While parents and children will always have disagreements about what a child should be doing, there are ways to approach these battles that are effective. Pauole advises parents, “The trick to getting children to do the things we need them to do — even if they don’t really want to — is to create the right environment for a sense of responsibility and intrinsic motivation to flourish.”

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected and confident. You can listen to our latest podcast episode at anchor.fm/everydaystrong (or on Apple Podcast and Spotify). Learn more about us at everydaystrong.org.