Sometimes, however, it’s really hard to figure out what emotional needs aren’t being nourished. A lack of connection and meaningful friendship doesn’t always obviously look like the way you’d imagine. Perhaps the child in your life seems anxious or tired or maybe just demonstrates behavior that’s difficult to manage.

Here are three simple checklists to help you think about your behavior and the ways in which you can support a child’s needs.

Emotional safety

After we give a child food, shelter and a warm bed, it is easy to believe that she is safe. But even if a child is safe, she may not feel safe.

Many things can make a child feel unsafe, and often a child will act out or behave differently if she is feeling this way. Often, relationships and school performance can suffer if a child isn’t feeling safe.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Is this child overly self-conscious or shy?
• Is this child overly worried about adult expectations or plans for the future?
• Are parents or other adults unpredictable in their expectations or consequences?
• Is this child afraid to tell me things?
• Do I listen as much as or more than I talk?

Connection

Connection happens in the everyday moments of our lives. Connection isn’t about flashy vacations or gifts. It’s about quiet moments and conversations; it’s about shared experiences and emotions.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Is this child isolating herself from others?
• How does this child feel about relationships? (Maybe she feels unlovable or that she is a burden on others).
• Does this child have at least one or two friends who genuinely care about him?
• How much time do I spend genuinely connecting with this child on things?

Don’t forget to start with safety and work your way up. A child will connect more openly if you have already helped him to feel safe with you.

Confidence

Confidence is a child’s feeling that he’s good at something. It’s a sense of independence and his feeling that he has the ability to change things for himself.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Is this child often frustrated with learning, task completion, problem-solving and/or emotional regulation?
• Do I have confidence in this child and do I tell her so?
• Does this child feel inadequate?
• How often do I remind this child of her strengths?
• Is there a chance that a difficult behavior is actually an attempt to feel more powerful or independent?

Again, don’t forget connection and safety! It is very difficult to build confidence if safety and connection needs are not cared for first.

Understand that every child, no matter their circumstances, needs to feel safe, connected and confident. Trust that children will want to succeed when those needs are cared for. In other words, by caring for their needs, you’re removing barriers to success. You’re creating an environment where they’re most likely to thrive.

Employ your own intuition and creativity to nourish their needs, and you might be surprised at how successful children can be.

Courtesy of Dr. Matt Swenson, MD, and Barbara Leavitt, MPA, as part of the EveryDay Strong panel of experts at United Way of Utah County. Originally published at heraldextra.com on Aug. 26, 2018.