EveryDay Strong: Stop assuming children ‘won’t.’ Instead, provide them with what they need
- When a child doesn’t meet expectations in their performance of a task, it often means they lack critical skills or abilities — and not that they aren’t trying their best.
In his bestselling book, “The Explosive Child,” Harvard psychologist Ross Greene has organized his thinking and philosophy around the maxim, “children do well if they can.” This is intended to help us look at a child’s ability to do well rather than their motivation.
Too often, parents assume their children are choosing to misbehave. They say things like, “He’s doing it for attention,” “He just wants his own way,” “He’s manipulating us,” “He could do better if he really wanted to.” If this is your belief, you will assume that you need to better motivate a child through punishments and rewards.
Not only does this approach make kids feel worse and the parent more angry, it doesn’t work — at least not for long.
Choose to assume that your child can’t consistently control impulses, communicate needs, navigate relationships, wake up on time, etc. You will be more empathic and more helpful to them. When they can’t, it’s either because they are still working on a skill — competence — or they are lacking in some more foundational need areas such as safety or connection.
Stop assuming they won’t; work to give them what they need!