I put on my headphones and turned on Spotify. I saw there was a new feature on the app, an artificial intelligence DJ who would play music based on songs you had chosen to listen to in the past.

I was ripping out weeds and trying not to sing along too loudly or dance too noticeably to the customized playlist. I wouldn’t want the neighbors to think I’m weirder than they already do.

After a few good songs had played, my AI DJ said, “We see that you’re a really big fan of Lionel Richie. Here’s one of his big hits.” Suddenly, I was annoyed. It’s not that I dislike Lionel Richie. His music is fine, but I wouldn’t consider myself a huge fan.

I realized I was bugged by being misrepresented. As silly as it was, I was angry at an AI DJ for saying I was something that I’m not!

The way we see ourselves is important. Our identities affect our beliefs, our self-esteem, our choice of friends, how we spend our time and our outlook on life.

Allan Pauoli, a mental health therapist at Revere Health in Provo, said, “Regardless of who you are, you’re always trying to define and understand what makes you you. As I meet with people, one of their favorite things is to learn about how their brain works and how they work. And then, and probably just as importantly, how that identity impacts those around them.”

While figuring out who we are is a question we will likely revisit throughout our lives, adolescence tends to be the time when a more intense exploration of identity occurs.

Pauoli said, “The interesting (thing) that I see with teenagers is that they want to be their own individual person, but they don’t want to be too extreme either. They want to fit in with a group of friends, but they also want to feel like they’re special and unique and a little bit set apart from the other person or others within their group.

“And sometimes you’re going to see … a little bit of rebellion. You know, kind of pushing against the family norms, and not because they don’t like the family values. Really, what they’re trying to do is learn and grow and define for themselves who they are.”

Of course, this can cause parents to worry.

“I’m very cautious when parents come,” Pauoli said, “and they’re worried about maybe some of the choices or the values that their teenager is having at one particular time in their life. I think a lot of it is just learning to be patient and wait some things out while also kind of carefully guiding it in a direction that you want to go.”

Pauoli said there are situations where worrying is justified: “Definitely extremes, you know, we should be concerned about. But as long as it’s kind of within that consistent norm or average of what we expect, I’m not too terribly concerned with it.”

I recently did an activity with my teen and young adult children centered around the concept of identity. I gave them each a small posterboard with their name on it. I asked them to write or draw pictures of different components of their identities. We started with basic identifying factors like hometown, profession and relationship to others. Then we moved on to physical characteristics such as hair color or height. From there, we got a little deeper into passions, interests, values, beliefs and goals.

At that point, we talked about how other people view us. As with my Lionel Richie example, it may not always align with how we see ourselves. We went around the room and each member of our family said a positive trait they see in the other members. We added these to our posters. It ended up being a memorable and tender exercise for us.

For last part of the activity, I asked each person to share something on their poster that might surprise me in how they view themselves. Some of the things shared were a strong sense of patriotism, a deliberate effort to put other people’s feelings before humor, and a desire to cultivate compassion and intelligence.

Pauole said the exploration of identity in adolescent years is “kind of like trying clothes on in the mirror and seeing how it looks in different settings and different lights. Probably more importantly, not just how it looks, but how it feels.”

In an article at parentandteen.com titled “Developing Adolescent Identity,” Joanna Lee Williams, an associate professor in the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University, advises, “(Remind) yourself that your children are experts on their own lives, and their active search for answers to the question, ‘Who am I?’ is helping them gain even more expertise. Your role is to be a sounding board. You supportively listen to their growing understandings and developing thoughts. And you guide them when needed.”

She goes on, “Even when our teens don’t yet feel good about themselves, it is critical they know we will love them just as they are. It is our stable presence and unwavering love that supports them to withstand challenges and offers them the security that allows them to find themselves.”

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected and confident. You can listen to our latest podcast episode at anchor.fm/everydaystrong (or on Apple Podcast and Spotify). Learn more about us at everydaystrong.org.