Courtesy United Way of Utah County

Let’s talk about something really basic. In fact, it’s so basic that you might not believe me at first when I tell you that it’s also incredibly revolutionary.

I want to tell you about a guy named Abraham Maslow, who was a very unique thinker for his time. (You may or may not remember him from Psych 101.) What made Maslow unique was that rather than focusing on people who were mentally ill and trying to figure out what went wrong, he was one of the few psychologists who studied people who were “exemplary” — or, in other words, extremely capable and high achieving. And when I say high achieving, I’m talking about people like Albert Einstein, Frederick Douglas and Eleanor Roosevelt. That kind of person.

Maslow asked himself what made these people great. What was it about the way their brain worked or how they experienced life? Turns out, the one thing he found in common was that they all knew they had to have their basic needs met before they could go on to achieve.

For example: have you ever met a 2-year-old who hasn’t had her afternoon nap? You and I both know that she can’t even begin to think about being “well-behaved” until she’s had her nap. We don’t blame the 2-year-old or yell at her. We just put her down for a nap because we know that’s what she needs in order to achieve her potential of being a well-behaved toddler.

Well, Maslow thought there’s more of that 2-year-old deep inside all of us than we give ourselves credit for. In fact, some people have summarized his theory into the shape of a pyramid.

Courtesy United Way of Utah County

This pyramid (or “Maslow’s Hierarchy,” as it’s sometimes called) tells us that someone can’t really focus on sticking to a schedule until they have had enough to eat. Or, another example: it’s really hard to worry about friendship if you are fleeing for your life. And so on and so forth, all the way to the top, where you can finally meet your need of “self actualization,” a.k.a. achieving your potential as a human being, whatever that potential may be.

Like I said, pretty basic, huh?

Before we go on to the next part — the “revolutionary” part that I promised — I hope you’ll take a sec just to think about whether or not the principle of Maslow’s Hierarchy has been true in your life. How do you feel when your needs aren’t being met? What do your kids act like when their needs aren’t met?

What does Maslow mean for me?

If you’re like me, Maslow’s hierarchy definitely holds true in my day-to-day experience. I am not the most fun person to be around if my blood sugar’s running low, and forget trying to have a meaningful conversation with me if my need for appreciation isn’t being met because my boss just yelled at me.

You’ve probably had a lot of experiences like that. But here’s the thing: even though all of us know what it’s like to not have our needs met sufficiently (and some of us may have even memorized Maslow’s pyramid for a high school or college pop quiz), how many of us actually take this idea seriously in our day-to-day lives?

Let me give you an example. Let’s say your 8-year-old kid walks in the door from a long day at school. You are waiting for him. “Your teacher called,” you inform him. “I heard you made a C on your math test again.”

He glares at you. “So what?” he mumbles.

Your blood pressure rises. You are tired of this attitude. “So what?” you snap back. “Mister, if you can’t figure out this studying business, you’re not going to play video games for a week!”

“A week!” your kid cries. “No fair! Ugh, I hate that stupid teacher. She doesn’t even like me anyway!”

We’ve all been in this situation. So what went wrong here? Why did the emotions spiral so quickly out of control? What would have happened if you took a step back and tried to understand what might be going on underneath the surface? What if we asked ourselves:

• Does my child feel safe? Does he feel like he can tell me things about his life and I will listen? Does my child know what the rewards and consequences are for different behaviors, and are they reliable?
• Does my child feel connected? Does he know that I will love him no matter what? Does my child feel like he can go to his teacher and ask for help?
• Does my child feel competent? Does he believe in his own abilities? Has he previously experienced success on a test after studying?

We can run the same mental checklist on ourselves:

• Do I feel connected to my child? Am I experiencing love and friendship with him?
• Do I feel competent? Am I worried about how my child’s bad grades reflect on my abilities as a parent, and am I taking some of that fear out on him? Do I have the skills and tools I need to deal with the situation?

The answer to some of these questions might be yes. To some of them, it might be no. To some, it might be “I don’t know yet.” But the most important thing to remember is that underneath virtually every “bad behavior” — whether that’s a C on a test or yelling at your kid — is an unmet need. And if you can figure out what that missing need is, you might be surprised at how quickly the problem resolves itself.

Not convinced yet? It’s okay, neither was I at first. As I’ve started using Maslow’s Hierarchy to brainstorm for solutions in my own life, I am really surprised by the positive effects. For me, some of the benefits include:

• More patience with myself as a living, breathing human being with needs to be met.
• More patience with the people I love and more creativity about helping and supporting them instead of ripping into or roasting them.
• Better listening skills that take me to the heart of what my child is asking for.
• More success in encouraging the behaviors I actually want to see in my kids and in myself.

Thanks for reading! If you found this article helpful, we hope you’ll share it with a friend. We want these ideas to spread through all of Utah Valley until we’re all kinder, happier and more prepared to face the challenges of life.