Though I don’t do Santa Claus with my kids, I think there are ways the concept can either induce shame or confidence in children, depending on how we use it.

Let’s discuss Santa shaming first. Children learn to define themselves according to adult perceptions. If they feel respected and loved by adults, they will come to feel generally lovable and will love themselves in the healthiest sense. If they think adults think they are bad, stupid or annoying, they will internalize these traits. They will either develop anxiety about trying to disprove these ideas (which does NOT foster healthy character) or become depressed and angry as they submit to them.

Santa can throw more data into the mix. We introduce someone with the power to judge children as good or bad — and to let them know their goodness or badness through the outcome of Christmas morning. However, it seems that Santa judges children as “good” for virtually all families that do Santa, so Santa himself is not the issue. The issue is that Santa can become a conduit for parents’ judgment. Even if the plan is for children to get the same planned presents under the tree regardless of behavior, children are threatened with conditional regard when they do behaviors that parents don’t like: “You won’t get presents from Santa if you do that.” Meaning, “Santa will judge you as bad because of what you are doing.” A parent’s very act of threatening indicates that the parent thinks Santa would judge the child as bad, indicating the parent’s view of the child. And, it too often occurs that parents will let their kids know that they didn’t deserve the presents Santa got them, indicating that Santa made a mistake because the children are actually bad.

I don’t believe any parents actually want their kids to feel like bad people; they’re just trying to manage their stress by reducing triggering behaviors. But, when you send the message to kids that they are bad people, either directly or indirectly (“They are a person who does bad things”), then you may get short-term behavior changes but long-term low self-esteem and problematic behaviors.

And how can Santa be an asset to self-esteem? If Santa is just another person in the child’s life who loves them unconditionally and shows that love (through gifts) regardless of the child’s behavior, then we send the message that the child is unconditionally lovable. This positive self-regard is far more likely to produce prosocial behaviors and good mental health than fear or shame-based motivation.

There are healthy boundaries that can be set to help guide behaviors, but they should not involve gifts. The definition of gift implies that it is a gesture of love given unconditionally. If the “gift” is conditional on certain behaviors, then it is actually a transaction. And only toxic stress can arise from transactional love. Defining what are really gifts and what are transactions can save a lot of heartache.

As far as the balance of introducing Christmas magic and eventual feelings of betrayal through the idea of Santa, I have no comments at this time.

Boone Christianson is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Provo.

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