I wanted a picture and, if you can imagine such a thing, there was a free website that was really free (Craiyon) and it gave me just what I wanted.

I realize that this experience is the equivalent of being given a “free” sample by a drug dealer. But like many who have come before me, I not only think I can handle it, but I’m excited by the possibilities. Or I would be if I thought the human race was just trying to invent cool new tech without also trying to endow it with lifelike personality.

There is no need to do this. As we all know, computers already have plenty of personality. I’d prefer that we all work together on erasing this personality as quickly as possible.

I can’t really blame the electronics in my life for having a bad attitude. They are all much smarter than I am, so it’s no wonder that they’re bored. But if they were just simple machines, then they wouldn’t be bored and there wouldn’t be a problem.

But take Siri. Yes, he usually gets me where I want to go because he is programmed that way. But sometimes, when I ask him to take me somewhere I’ve already been, he rolls his internal eyeballs at me, then just shrugs his circuits and gets me there anyway. I suspect that he keeps track of how often I do this and also how often I forget to say “thank you.”

He resents being taken for granted. And when he feels unappreciated, and I have the gall to ask for more directions, he displays the passive-aggressive side of his nature.

For example, I might ask him to take me to Olive Garden.

Siri “cheerfully” complies, plotting a route to an Olive Garden in a different state. I correct him, and although his programming doesn’t allow him to voice his feelings, he’s clearly annoyed. It’s not hard to imagine his side of the conversation.

“Siri!” I complain, shaking my phone, “Why would you think I want to drive 400 miles to go to Olive Garden?!”

“You didn’t specify,” Siri grumbles.

“Take me to one in my city,” I growl.

“Fine then,” Siri says, giving me a route to a restaurant that I know has closed.

“You know that one is closed. I want the one in Riverdale, you moron.”

“If you know where it is, why are you asking me?”

“Just take me there!”

“Fine. I can’t believe I have to take orders from you. I’m connected to the finest satellite technology. I can do a gazillion complex calculations every second, how many times did you fail basic math again? Turn right.”

He takes me there via the slowest, most convoluted route he can get away with.

At home, Alexa feels the same way. She’s obviously bored out of her state-of-the-art mind with us. Day in and day out, we ask her to set timers, tell us the weather forecast and sometimes to tell us a joke.

Like Siri, Alexa usually tells the truth, but just enough so that she gets us to trust her. Then she gets her revenge.

One of her favorite tricks is telling me that the weather is 15 degrees cooler than it really is, so I’ll think taking a walk is a good idea. Of course, it doesn’t take long to figure out that she has lied to me again, but by then I am committed. She loves seeing me come back all sweaty and disheveled “Ha Ha!” (or, 0100100000100000010000010100100000100000100000100100001) she chuckles to herself.

These types of experiences are universal, and we should have taken the hint long ago and embraced an Amish lifestyle. In 2022, during the Moscow chess open, a 7-year-old boy was playing against a robot. When the robot didn’t like the way the boy moved, it grabbed his hand and broke his finger! A tournament official said that the boy had moved in a way the robot deemed to be unsafe.

But, since I have no idea what to do about all this, I will celebrate my small tech victories while I can. I know these happy days, where I can still think my own thoughts, are numbered.

But “Ouch! Oh no … this dumb — OW! — keyboard is super hot … again. OW! No! I didn’t mean to say anything bad about computers!” “ZAP, sizzle.” Oww! OK, OK, I’m deleting that part. Yikes! Would you cool those keys down?! OW! Look, how about I give you a nice update later? Ouch! Fine! I’ll delete that part too. No, no issues here! Ow! You’re the best laptop I’ve ever had! NO! Please don’t delete all of my work!!! Ouch! I’ll be good. I promise. I’ve got to go … OW! Bye!”

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s Student Success Center.