Because I hate conflict, my job was to write about everything else. Headline: Quilters Quilt Quilts! But just because I had the fluff beat, don’t get the idea that my job was easy. Writing is hard work, especially when one has nothing to report. Let’s say that I had spent a few hours interviewing a local artist. This would be fun. We’d talk briefly about his art, then digress to his dog, his car, the local dentists, our opinions of the latest hit movie, and the one best way to grill a steak. All fired up, I’d get back to the office, sit down at my lovely desk and belatedly realize that I couldn’t use most of the interview. But deadlines don’t move, so I would laboriously pull something like the following out of my aching brain:

Painting

By Anneli Byrd

John Smith is a painter. He paints pictures.

Exhausted from this effort, I’d send the story to the editor. But this wouldn’t be the end of the road. My literary masterpieces often were sent back with critiques, in this case, “WRITE MORE!” So wearily, I’d trudge back to the computer and make the following revision.

Painting

By Anneli Byrd

John Smith is a painter. He paints pictures. Of ducks.

This then went on to the proofreader who was paid to make annoying comments about sentence fragments and so forth.

As you can see, writing is a rigorous process which requires an astonishing amount of revision and precision. Even so, errors are inevitable for even the best writers, and sometimes the public would get upset. But with my lovely desk, I was prepared. I imagined out exactly what would happen the next time I offended someone.

Offended person marches in, “I have a complaint!”

“Yeeeesssss?” I’ll say calmly.

The person takes a chair across the vast expanse of my desk.

Offended person: “You printed that I like snorts!”

“Yeeeeeesss?”

“SPORTS! You idiot! I said I like SPORTS!”

“Yeeeeeeesss?”

Offended person beginning to feel overpowered by the desk would think, “Gosh, she must be important. I wonder if she’s busy investigating a big story?” Then rallying, says aloud a bit more politely,

“I think you should fix the error.”

“Of course,” I’ll say, still cool. “When did you take your last snort?”

Offended person, “2017. Wait a minute! I didn’t say that!”

“You deny the allegation?”

Offended person: “What? No! I mean Yes! (My desk is exerting an aura of legal power) You know, maybe we should just drop the whole thing.”

“Well,” I’ll say, “I don’t usually like to do that. But, since this week’s deadline is past, I guess I can let it slide this one time.”

Offended person, now a relieved and grateful person: “Oh, thank you so much!”

We’ve since moved to a different state, so I’m not employed by that newspaper anymore. Still, it’s not too late to write a book about my astonishing rise to the top of journalistic glory (having been the, ahem, most important of the three-person staff). I could call it, “From Taco’s to Trivia: How I Climbed the Ladder of Success Without the Burden of Excess Pay.” It’s bound to be a hit. Watch for it at your local bookstore. If you don’t mind visiting me at a forgettable desk, I’ll be happy to autograph a copy for you.

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s General Studies and Exploratory advising.