Disclaimer: Before reading this column, please accept my apologies. (I should do this with every column I write.) I’m going to be commenting on what people choose to drink. Some of what follows might be construed by some as judgmental, mean-spirited, haughty, intolerant, unfeeling, petty, fun-poking, and any other words you can find in that “neighborhood.”

Wait! — I thought of some more words. Some of what you’re about to read (if you choose to continue) may seem silly, sarcastic, stupid, nutty or eccentric. Anyway — end of disclaimer.

Within the past week I went into two places of business that sell a wide variety of beverages. One was the Utah State Liquor Store. The other was The Good Earth Markets store on State Street in Orem.

In the State Liquor Store, I was accompanying a friend who was preparing to entertain out of town guests. As we entered the store, we were greeted by the clerk.

I announced to the clerk that my friend was my guardian, lest there be any confusion. I had noticed the sign outside which warned that any minor entering the store had to be accompanied by a parent, legal guardian or spouse, who is 21 years of age or older.

My joke kind of fell flat and I reminded myself that I needed to remember that there are “times and places” for jokes. Don’t joke in places that check identifications. Don’t joke in the TSA security checkpoints in airports. And, don’t joke at the border when driving into Canada. (I learned that lesson the hard way — which included a significant delay and a “sniffing patrol dog.”)

I was surprised at the large inventory of alcoholic beverages on the shelves in the store. My friend didn’t need any advice. He seemed to know what his guests were going to appreciate.

I browsed. My biggest pause was in front of bottles of Dr. McGillicuddy Root Beer. I didn’t know that alcoholic root beer existed. There were two or three varieties.

I thought to myself that if I were to start an alcoholic beverage career for myself, root beer might be up my alley. I was imagining a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream in a mug with good ol’ Dr. Mac. I guess I’ll stick with A & W, Shasta, Barqs, IBC, and Dad’s Root Beer for the time being.

I was impressed with all the exotic bottles and names of the beverages. It was all quite dazzling. I was also impressed with the prices — as in expensive prices.

I remembered years ago we went to an Eric Clapton concert in Las Vegas at the MGM Garden Arena. After getting back to Sanpete, I found out that one of my friends had been at the same concert with his girlfriend.

We compared notes about our trips. He asked where we had dinner the night of the concert. We had eaten at one of the mid-range restaurants in the MGM Hotel. He and his partner had chosen a similar eating place there. He asked what we had for dinner and what it had cost us. I told him.

I think we had spent around $75. He shook his head and said that they had spent $300 plus for their dinner. I offered, “Perhaps you need to account for the fact that there wasn’t alcohol on our bill.” The “light bulb” switched on in his brain and he said, “Ah, yes — there’s the difference.”

In The Good Earth store, I was also amazed. While my wife was looking for a specific health store product, I browsed. I ended up on the “healthy drinks aisle.”

I have my own eccentric “healthy tonic” which I mix up and drink quite regularly. It involves apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, Ceylon cinnamon, Metimucil, and a pinch of Chuck Norris’ super duper, “Morning Kick” secret, magic powder.

Who knows if drinking that stuff does me any good. It’s kind of an “object of faith” for my own imaginary “Fountain of Youth.”

So knowing my own weirdness, I looked at the healthy drinks. Here’s a few examples of what I saw. I’ll give you the names and some of the description information.

Pricklee Cactus Water. “This juicy pink cactus superfruit is the ultimate thirst-quencher and keeps you hydrated naturally!”

Once Upon a Coconut – Premium Coconut Water + Chocolate. “There once was a cocoa tree planted next to a coconut tree. As fate would have it, their trunks got tangled making for an adventure of a lifetime. Their journey led to this rich, creamy nutritional drink made in hydration heaven. The end.”

Ancient Drinks – Posca. “Posca was created thousands of years ago from all natural ingredients as the original “sports drink” of the Roman Army. So, you know, probably enough power for whatever it is you’ve got going on.”

There were dozens of healthy drinks on sale. I found myself asking myself, “Who buys these wacky, weirdo products?”

You may be thinking and wondering, “Did you, Merrill, buy any of those drinks?” All right, all right — so you caught me. Yes, I did buy four cans of something. But, it wasn’t Organic Banana Water. And it wasn’t the Sea Moss Beverage — “Sea Moss You Can Drink!” And though I was tempted, it wasn’t Brain Juice (heaven knows I need “…clean brain energy without the jitters or the crash…”)

What I did buy was just a boring Slate brand dark chocolate high-protein lactose-free milkshake. A young “healthy” female employee was offering little sample cups of the stuff. She smiled. It didn’t taste too bad. How could I resist? — especially since it was deep discounted to $2.89 per can down from $4.59 or something.

I guess we all have to make our choices as to what we drink. I sometimes think that we could all take a lesson from my grandpa and the poem that he used to quote quite often. He was born in 1878 and lived to be like four days shy of his 95th birthday. I don’t remember the actual words of the poem, but the ending went something like this:

“You can have your whiskey, and your coffee and your tea;

But, when I take my glass, cold water’s the drink for me.”

Drink up Sanpete! — Merrill