I have several habits which I know are annoying to people. An example: when the calendar gets to the 25th of each month, like it will in a few days, I tend to say something that annoys people. I’ll say, “Guess what? Only four months until Christmas!” For some weird reason, that’s considered an awful thing to say and people groan.

With the extreme heat waves that we’re been experiencing, there are always some annoying comments from people. I think the top one is this question: “Is it hot enough for you?”

Some time ago, I researched some snappy comebacks for that overused, dumb question. It goes along with Mad Magazine’s old feature “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.” Al Jaffee was the “Mad” guy who did that bit.

I used to be an occasional purchaser of Mad Magazine. I would get them at Merrill’s Drug Store in Richfield as a kid. I really wish I still had all those comic books and Mad Magazines that I bought back in those olden days. They would be fun to look through and might be worth a little money now. Mad Magazine was founded in 1952, the same year I was “founded.”

A friend gave me a year’s subscription to Mad some years ago after seeing it mentioned in this column. That was a fun blast from the past. Now, unfortunately for weirdos like me anyway, the regular, new material print version of the magazine doesn’t exist.

Anyway, let’s get back to the snappy answer to stupid questions formula. Here’s some of what I found as possibilities in specific categories for answers to the annoying “is it hot enough for you?” question (In some categories, I give more than one answer):

Here’s the stupid question, for all the categories of snappy answers:

“So, is it hot enough for you?”

Delirium:

“Sure, I’ll have a banana!”

Sarcasm:

“I seem to have lost the hearing in my left ear due to the heatstroke I’m experiencing. Could you please repeat yourself?”

“Are you nuts!? I’m freezing! Do you have a sweater I could borrow?”

Misinterpret the question:

“Naw… plaid was never my thing.”

“A touch heavy on the eye shadow, but not bad!”

Denial:

“Why is everything around here my fault? I’m not running this business alone, you know!

Religious:

“God is punishing us for our sins; we must repent!”

My sincere answer to the question is, “Yes, it is hot enough for me. Thank you very much!”

When I’m outside these days, I feel like one of those ready to eat, rotisserie chickens that you see for sale in grocery stores. Thank goodness for air conditioning in some places where I spend time. And I’m grateful that our trusty swamp cooler keeps us comfortable at home these days. Having a basement helps as well, during these “uncool days.”

When I see the temperatures reported in St. George, Las Vegas, and other extra hot places, I wonder how they endure it. But I remember that I already know how they do it. They go from air-conditioned house to air-conditioned car to an air-conditioned workplace, etc. The pioneers who settled those places were unbelievably hardy.

I saw it reported that last Sunday Death Valley reached 130 degrees. That would be the hottest reading in the USA in at least 107 years. (The previous record is questionable in its accuracy, so this may be the all-time record)

The Manti High School football team played its opening game last Friday night in St. George at the new Crimson Cliffs High School. I heard that the temperature on the artificial turf field at 7:00pm was 114 degrees. Players felt like their shoes were melting.

As I’ve been sweating these past few weeks, it does make me wonder a little if perhaps God is preparing some of us for a warmer next life. If hell is indeed hot, I’m getting good training.

When the weather was extra hot, like it is now, I remember my dad often making his deadpan joke comment to people, “Well, it seems to be thawing today.” He liked to smile at his own jokes. (Just like I do)

I hope that everyone is keeping hydrated and slathering on the sunscreen. Enjoy the heat while you can. Go play in the water somewhere or get a lawn chair and sit in your garden. Sip lemonade while you watch your tomato plants grow or, in my case, watch the neighborhood mule deer grazing.

I say enjoy this hot summer weather now, because you’ve got to remember; Christmas is just around the corner. — — Merrill