Confident! The thing we want all our kids to be! We want them to be high achievers! We want them to feel strong!

But confidence is more than just success, and it’s more than pushing kids to achieve. Confidence is children feeling that they’re good at something. It’s a sense of independence and feeling that they have the ability to change things for themselves. And, most importantly, children’s confidence in themselves is a building block for good mental health.

Here are four ways any adult can build a child’s confidence.

1. Build confidence by trusting

What to do: Next time you are concerned about a child’s achievement levels in school, sports or the arts, resist your urge to lecture on the seriousness of the situation or to problem solve for them. Instead, sit back without worry and give some calm reassurance and encouragement that the child will “be OK” or “figure it out.” Say something like, “I’m sure you can solve this.”

Listen carefully to understand why he’s anxious. Sometimes it’s not about confidence at all. Explore his feelings to help you understand if this is an issue of safety or connection. Is the child anxious about performing well because he’s worried about his future survival in life if he doesn’t do well on the ACT? Or is it more about relationships; for example, is he worried he won’t be loved if he doesn’t perform to his parents’ expectations?

Why: Kids, and especially adolescents, often hide their worries, which can lead adults to believe that they aren’t taking life seriously. Just at a moment when they are feeling concerned and stressed, anxious parents pile on with added stress by saying, “Remember that your grades now will be on your transcript forever,” “How will you ever learn to …,” “If you don’t …,” or, “You may wish you were better prepared when….” Unfortunately, when a child is already anxious about those issues, an added parent’s anxiety just leads to even more paralyzing anxiety. Often, the best way to build confidence is to express confidence.

2. Build confidence by remembering

What to do: At the end of the day, take some time to reflect and review the positive things you did together and experienced that day.

Why: Negative memories are said to be more “sticky” than positive ones, so people often need help remembering their good deeds, successes or accomplishments. For young children, just reviewing the events at the end of a typical day can improve their ability to reflect and reinforce success. Older kids can use these memories to create important metaphors for hard work or success in life.

3. Build confidence by naming the problem

What to do: When a child frequently encounters a difficulty in their life, create a name for that challenge and refer to it as something external from them. It’s something you’re working on together to solve. For example:

Instead of, “You shouldn’t be so scared. It’s not a big deal,” try, “It looks like the worry bug has pulled the alarm! Is this really an emergency? What do you think?”

Instead of, “You have a problem being able to turn off the video games!” try, “It looks like the X-bot has taken over again!”

Instead of: “I know you could do this if you would just try!” try, “I know you are working really hard, but ADHD is still getting in the way. What would be helpful?”

Why: Psychologists will often “name it to tame it.” This practice of “externalization” helps prevent feeling discouraged or demoralized by problems and changes the problem-solving dynamic from a “me fixing you” to an “us fixing it.”

4. Build confidence by playing and practicing

What to do: Playtime can be a valuable time not only for connection but also for practicing confidence. Jump into an opportunity to play or do a meaningful activity together when you otherwise might have missed the chance.

For example, if you’re pretending to be a prince or princess locked in a tower, encourage your child to take a risk, try something new or solve a problem in the story in a creative way. Praise your child for the skill she exhibits through the imaginative game.

Why: In play, kids practice for life and challenges with power and courage, roles and rules, and there are constant opportunities for adults to acknowledge and praise their competence.