Today’s column is written by Barbara Leavitt, a child development expert, parent and grandparent who has spent the past 11 years helping parents in Utah County to solve practical problems and to access the services they need.

Dear EveryDay Strong: My child is painfully shy and nervous. How do I help him come out of his shell? It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t want to go to school and actively avoids other children because he fears rejection when he tries to make friends. — Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom: While some children are simply less outgoing than others, shyness can be debilitating when a child feels constant sadness or stress because they are isolating themselves, are frequently left out of social activities or are not functioning to the level that they normally would.

There may not be a quick fix to this problem, but meeting children’s basic emotional needs for safety, connection and confidence can get you started toward a long-term solution. For example:

1. Safe: Create an environment that is safe for your child by listening and allowing them to explore.

One of the best ways to help children feel safe is to listen to them sincerely, with real intent. Make sure they know that you are present when they talk to you and ask them questions so they understand you are listening to them. If you’re listening well enough, you’ll be able to anticipate their needs before they even express them verbally.

Another way to create a safe environment is to avoid overly critiquing your children, especially when they’re doing something new. When we step back to see experiences through our children’s eyes and allow them to make mistakes, we help them feel safe to explore new things. This is especially important for children who are shy or nervous.

In my case, I discovered that my ego was tied directly to what my daughter was doing. Once I could get my ego out of it and really allow her to explore and try new things, she actually did better because I was not imposing upon her what I felt like she should be doing. I was allowing her the opportunity to make mistakes.

Just like all of us, it takes a long time to learn how to express yourself, and we need to give children the space to do that. Observing children is the key to being able to understand if they’re feeling safe.

2. Connected: Help your child create connections with other “safe” adults and children.

While your main concern was about peer relationships, sometimes meaningful adult relationships can help a shy child too. As demonstrated by the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” children benefit from having other trusted adult relationships in their lives besides their parents.

Parents can choose other adults who they trust and who have similar philosophies on respect and how to treat others. Then, parents can provide opportunities for children to connect with these adults. For example, getting together for dinner, doing activities on holidays, etc. This can help create an environment where children have a village built around them.

When it comes to peer relationships, some structure may be helpful, such as sports or acting. I had one daughter that was very, very shy as a child. We put her in dance classes, and she connected more with other children. It was interesting how she came out of her shyness and she didn’t feel as scared. Her anxiety went away, and now I can’t shut her up! She’s the life of the party!

3. Confident: Increase your child’s confidence by role-playing and allowing kids to play imaginatively.

Role-playing is a great way to help build skills in your children. Role-playing doesn’t have to be a formal sit-down event; you can do it on a walk or in the car. For example, play the game “What If?” “What if this happened, what would you do? What if that happened, what would you do?”

It’s a very powerful game to play with your children because you’re preparing them for a scenario. Then, when children actually get in a situation, they can fall on the skills they’ve developed through role-playing and are more comfortable. This can be very helpful for a shy or anxious child because they can prepare for naturally uncomfortable situations.

One of my children was very, very awkward and had few friends. It took a lot of years of teaching skills for her to feel really comfortable with others. Playing “What if?” really helped her. I’ve played it a lot with my kids, and I still do with my adult children.

Another way to build children’s confidence is to allow them to play using their imagination and to play with them. Let children have opportunities to be different characters and act out different things they would like to be. Sometimes shy children can overcome shyness temporarily by playing in costumes and pretending to be certain things.

For example, if your children see a newscaster on TV and want to pretend to be one, you could help dress them up and videotape them presenting news or the weather. When children are engaged in imaginative play, it allows them to build confidence in learning how to navigate the world.

Good luck, worried mom! It’s wonderful that you’re already trying to anticipate your child’s needs and notice where he may get increasingly stuck as he gets older. A responsive, caring adult is one of the biggest factors in a child’s resilience — I’d say you are doing a great job of being that parent.