Child showing aggression at school? Punishment may not help. Consider Grant:

Grant is a fourth-grader who has been showing low frustration tolerance and even some aggression repeatedly over the past several weeks, including throwing a volleyball at a peer’s face and a pen across the classroom at his teacher.

How would you approach this? Stay in from recess? Write apology cards? Change his seating? Now, notice how your intervention relies on what you believe is causing the behavior. In most cases, discipline is intended to motivate a child, but rewards and consequences is rarely what a child needs. So why not start by considering your child’s needs, and in this order:

• Physiologic: Could he be hungry or tired? Sensory sensitivities?
• Safety: Did he feel threatened or unsafe? Are adults safe? Secure living situation?
• Connection: Are relationships strained? Is there a communication problem? Does he feel seen, valued, loved?
• Competence: Frustration with learning, task completion, flexibility, problem-solving, emotional regulation? Do I convey confidence?

You may find a child who is hungry, one who is being bullied, or one who struggles with the skill of flexibility. Making him stay in from recess won’t address any of these needs. Considering and responding to Grant’s needs is much more likely to improve things for him than reflexively applying punishment.