Perhaps the most useful bit of wisdom I have come across during my work with children is to “insist on connecting.”

Connectedness is the most effective prerequisite to be able to comfort, help, teach, redirect or discipline a child. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University calls strong connections to important adults the “scaffolding” for building resilience in youth.

Despite its importance, I fear that too often we as “important adults” either neglect opportunities for connection or confuse time spent with actual connection. After all, three days at Disneyland may or may not foster more connection than three minutes of playing “Simon Says.”

So, what do I mean by connection? One way of thinking about connection is by considering one of its earliest instances: what is sometimes called the “blissful gaze” between an infant and its mother. It’s a moment of reciprocal giving, emotional generosity, and an intense focus on really seeing and appreciating one another.

Psychologists will try to describe the experience of connection using sophisticated words like intersubjectivity, attachment or mentalization, but I think it suffices for most human hearts to state simply that “you know it when you see it.” It can be subtle and brief: a smile or a spark, a gaze or a glow. Look for it. Kids with social difficulties, behavioral problems, anxiety or depression need this most of all, but it requires deliberate, playful, creative and caring effort from all of us to reach them. Insist on connecting.

Here are some specific ideas that have been helpful in my own adventures of trying to connect with youth.

Connect by asking

To really connect, we have to be willing to do so on the other person’s terms. Often a good start is to simply state that you want to connect with or feel close to someone. State that you would like to understand what it is like to be them, or walk in their shoes. Then you could ask, “Is there anything I could do to help us feel closer?” It doesn’t matter whether they have an answer, they just need to hear you express your desire.

Connect by apologizing

All of us carry emotional wounds from times we were mistreated. Children remember these times too. It is never too late to apologize for something you may have done or said, and often the further back in time you go, the more meaningful the apology.

Connect through writing

Write a note and leave it to be found. Emphasize your relationship and feelings about it, with less emphasis on the specific behaviors, choices or accomplishments of your child. Notes are often read when you are not together, which reinforces that your child can feel connected and remembered even when you are away.

Connect by remembering

Take time one-on-one to remember and talk about experiences you have had together. Share perspectives and feelings. You may even look at photos.

Connect by wishing

Wishing for something to be different can emotionally get two people through a situation when actual circumstances or expectations can’t be changed. “I wish I could magically take school out of your life,” or “I wish I knew exactly what it was like to be you,” or “I wish I could shrink myself so I could hide in your backpack and follow you around school all day just to stay close to you.”

Connect in playing

Play and laughter are the most powerful tools for connection with young children. Playing with friends or “entertaining themselves” are inadequate replacements for play with important adults. Join in with Barbie or Minecraft (even though you hate it!) or dig out an old board game. Let older kids pick an activity and just go with it. Remember the mother-infant “blissful gaze?” Recreate this with staring contests, winking, or copy-cat games like Simon Says. Playfully dance around teens until they look you in the eye, or talk in a silly voice until they actually tell you something about their day. They may think you are weird, but a brief connection moment will be worth it!

Connect through laughing

Look for a chance to turn a potential argument into a laugh. Add humor to your relationships. Don’t talk in a normal voice when you can talk in a silly voice. Don’t talk at all when you can sing. Don’t stand when you can fall down. Lose your dignity to find your child!