Can you think of a time when you were a kid and received a bad grade or made a mistake? Were you scared to tell your parents? Did you think something along the lines of “My parents are going to kill me!” or “I can never tell my parents”?

This is a common occurrence in many people’s childhoods. This is also a very basic example of feeling emotionally unsafe.

Emotional safety is based on the foundation that children or teenagers know their parents will love them and not judge them, no matter what they do.

So, what does emotional safety look like?

Feeling safe reduces frustration, embarrassment and other emotional barriers, allowing a person to do their best work. It’s knowing their relationships are not in jeopardy even when they fail.

For example, Julia is a 17-year-old whose behavior is increasingly difficult for her parents to manage. She refuses to follow rules, is falling behind in her classes and isn’t attending church with the family. Her dress seems increasingly “inappropriate.” Family relationships are tense.

Now it’s time for a quiz. If you were Julia’s parents, what would be your initial response?

A. Take away her phone.

B. Restrict access to her friends (“ground” her).

C. Work on a communication style that feels “safe” for Julia to discuss family rules or religious expectations.

D. Offer bigger or better rewards to motivate her to get better grades or go to church with the family.

What is the correct answer?

If you answered C, you are correct.

If we look at Julia’s situation through the lens of “safety,” is she acting like she feels emotionally safe to talk to her parents about what is really going on?

Perhaps she made a mistake that she thinks she can’t tell her parents because she fears their relationship will be in jeopardy or their perception of her will be less.

Of course, good-natured parents will always love their children no matter what, but sometimes children need to be verbally reassured of that.

Do your children know they can tell you anything without you getting angry or judging them? Try expressing that you will love them no matter what.

Fostering emotional safety does not mean there is no room for expectations or consequences. It is important for parents to set clear expectations for children. Rather, it is about our response to our children when they don’t meet those expectations.

Love should not be contingent on if children meet expectations or not. And it is possible for unconditional love to coexist with expectations and consequences.

Feeling emotionally and psychologically safe is an important prerequisite to creating strong connections, gaining confidence and, ultimately, thriving.

Here are a couple of examples you can try at home to care for safety needs.

Safe to talk

An adult might take time to invite children who may be struggling with fatigue, stress or other mental or emotional problems to please come talk. Children often have the impression that the parent or adult “wouldn’t care” about stress or depression. An explicit invitation to open up can create safety. (And remember: when they do come to talk … LISTEN!)

Safe to fail

Cultivate a growth mindset in kids by emphasizing that progress and growth are more highly valued than performance. Failure is an essential ingredient to growth. Adults may share difficulties that they had the first time they had to learn this subject or a question or misunderstanding they once had.

Safe to be themselves

Learn to see strengths in children in the face of the very human temptation to focus on others’ weaknesses or shortcomings. Praise creativity or innovation when a child thinks of something in a different way or has an unusual way of solving problems.

Safe to separate

Some kids are nervous to be away from home or parents. Try supporting them during that change with a transitional object from home, a “special assignment” when they first arrive or an activity and project that serves as a creative outlet for the anxiety (such as drawing or journaling).

At the end of the day, our children just need to know that their parents will be a safety net to catch them when they fall. Being this safety net is one of the most important ways to help children be successful. What our children perceive as “success” or “thriving” may be different from what parents have planned. Regardless, when we foster a safe environment for our children to explore who they want to be without judgment, we build resilience and allow them to thrive.