Canary Garden in Orem hoping community will support grieving children
Bentlee Hillock, 5, rests her head while she and other children share their stories of loss on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. Hillock and the other two children in her group had mothers who died. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Sophia Yorgason, left, and Tyler Yorgason, sit in a discussion group for parents who have had a child who died on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Volunteers Brittany Stevens, left, and Jessica Blackmer, right, play games with their group of "littles," including Ava Gildeadi and Bentlee Hillock, both 5, on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Kathy Hillock forms a heart out of modeling clay during a discussion group for parents who have had children who died on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Tyler Yorgason shares his thoughts in a discussion group for parents who have children who died on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Volunteer Lance Boldt speaks to all of the participants on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at the end of a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Volunteer Brittany Stevens, right, talks with Bentlee Hillock, left, and Ava Goleadi, center, both 5, on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Bentlee Hillock and another participant (name withheld at parent's request) laugh as they draw on construction paper on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Ava Gileadi smiles as she participates in a fun activity on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Volunteers Brittany Stevens, left, and Jessica Blackmer, right, play games with their group of "littles" on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
Bentlee Hillock, 5, swings on a platform on Monday, Feb. 1, 2016, at a Canary Garden meeting in Orem. The program provides grief support to children and adults who have lost loved ones. SPENSER HEAPS, Daily Herald
An adult who is grieving about the loss of a loved one has several options to find support. But it is significantly different to find grieving options for a child or teen.
“Children have been called the forgotten mourners,” said Vivian Olsen, founder of Canary Garden. “When a child loses a mother, father or brother or sister to death they experience a huge array of emotions that are unfamiliar and overwhelming. In addition, their parents and siblings are also grieving. They can be emotionally unavailable to the children. “
That’s where Canary Garden comes in. The nonprofit, located in Orem, is geared to specifically help those age groups, as well as teaching parents how to help their children deal with their concerns.
“From the first phone call we help the parents help their children,” Olsen said. “We walk them through how to tell children the truth. It is very confusing for the child if you try to gloss over death. For example, if you tell them their mom wanted to be in a better place, they wonder why she doesn’t want to be with them, or how they can go to be with her. ‘If going back to God is the goal, why can’t I be with her?’ The child thinks that is a real problem.”
Ten-year-old Mia Johnson attends sessions with her mother, Denise McArthur. Their father and husband died unexpectedly in June, and they have been attending Canary Garden since October.
“At first I was a little nervous, but I came and it was really good,” Johnson said. “The leaders are nice and fun.”
It was beneficial for Johnson to meet others in the same situation.
“It makes me feel like part of a group,” she said. “I can talk about my dad.”
“It really is an open discussion, whatever topic we choose to talk about,” McArthur said. “It can be dealing with the holidays, just supporting one another, or learning about fulfilling both parenting roles. It focuses on how to help our children.”
Beyond addressing grief, another reaction that is common is that of guilt, one which Olsen said should be removed.
“Guilt is a normal part of grief,” Olsen said. “A wife may say ‘I knew my husband had sleep apnea but I didn’t make him go to the doctor. Now I am so angry at him but I blame myself, too.'”
Children may feel responsible for a parent’s death, an emotion which may particularly arise in the case of a suicide.
The volunteer group leaders receive training how to offer help.
“We don’t explain to the children,” Olsen said. “We let them express themselves.”
In founding Canary Garden, the organizers selected the name with specific images in mind.
“A garden is a growing place,” she said. “The canary is a bird that sings, and yellow is the color of hope.”
And hope is what they want to provide.
However, Canary Garden will need help from the public to continue functioning. They say that help can come in the form of monetary donations, volunteers or making meeting space available, as the organization has grown.
Families attend group sessions on Monday evenings at Canary Garden, which uses space in the Kids on the Move building in Orem. Approximately 100 individuals are enrolled and 60 attend any given week. Each person in a family goes to a group session based on age.
Natalie Cox began attending Canary Garden when she was 17 after her brother died from cancer. A year later, she lost another brother to cancer. She wrote a letter in support of the organization to help it maintain its nonprofit status.
“During this time, my world and my family was turned upside down and forever changed,” she wrote. “Going to Canary Garden provided me with an outlet to share my heartache with others who understood and were going through the same thing. It gave me a safe place to talk about everything that had changed, the change I saw in my home, my family, and in myself. In doing so I found strength. I found a strength in myself, that I could allow myself to change, grow and overcome. Their loss changed me forever but it did not have to define me.”
Cox has since returned to Canary Garden as a group facilitator to help others realize they are not alone and can move forward with their lives.
“I truly believe that it is life changing for those who attend,” she wrote.
More information is available at canarygardenutah.org. Those who wish to contribute may click on the gofundme link.
