But what if this seeming lack of motivation is actually a completely different issue altogether?

Matt Swenson, child psychologist and co-founder of the EveryDay Strong program, said that what we see as apathy may actually be one of several things:

• Fear and the risk of failure.
• Loneliness.
• Not being good at something.
• A lack of power or influence.

A young person may feel that it is easier to be aloof than to risk the pain and disappointment that may come from investing themselves in school, church, activities, etc. Swenson says, “Sometimes, it seems like putting yourself out there, the risk of failure or rejection or having to live with the consequences of what you choose (can be paralyzing). I think it’s fear for some people that there’s too much risk or they’ve had some bad experiences in the past and it just feels too hard.”

Similarly, those experiencing anxiety often struggle to regulate and instead have an all-or-nothing reaction. According to Swenson, “There’s a group who care so much and are so overwhelmed for so long that it almost feels like an adaptive brain response to just shut down. There’s this fine line between being so worried about everything in your life and what’s happening, and just shutting off.”

Another underlying issue that manifests as apathy is loneliness. So much of a teenager’s life revolves around having a social circle. Swenson explains, “A lot of adolescents in particular say, ‘I do things because that’s what my friends are doing.’ And I think if you’re lonely, you can just look a little less motivated.”

He goes on to talk about studies that have been done on monkeys that have been deprived of love and attachment. These monkeys stop eating, stop growing and ultimately fail to thrive. There is a powerful need for connection.

The third issue Swenson gives for apparent apathy in teens is simply a lack of skills. “When you hear people say, ‘I don’t care,’ you should hear, ‘I’m not good at it.’ ‘I don’t care about school’ probably for some people means ‘I’m not good at school.’ ‘I don’t care about having a dirty room’ could mean ‘I’m not great at organizing myself enough to clean my room.’ Feeling you’re not good at things can take the wind out of any motivation you may have had.”

Teens who feel they lack power often seem apathetic. If they feel their efforts will not make any difference in their lives, they don’t see a point in trying.

In sum, young people who seem apathetic often don’t feel safe to take risks or safe to fail. They may be lacking a connection to their peers. They may not have confidence in their own abilities and capabilities.

Swenson says he approaches every client with the presumption that they absolutely have things they care deeply about. He recommends that parents and other caring adults “Have faith in (teens) that they really do have goals and hopes.”

By asking the right questions in the right way, giving them words they may not be able to find on their own and being positive, we can encourage teens to share what those things are.

Most important is the message of support that we communicate to the child. Swenson likes to take this view when working with young people: “I am sitting next to you strapped into this roller coaster, similarly worried about the ups and downs and turns and everything that’s going to happen, but I’m communicating that we’re in this together and that we both don’t know, but this is what life is.”

United Way of Utah County is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected and confident. You can listen to our latest podcast episode at anchor.fm/everydaystrong (or on Apple Podcast and Spotify). Learn more about us at everydaystrong.org.