We at EveryDay Strong were recently asked, “How can I help my child, even though anxiety and depression run in our family?”

If you struggle with anxiety and depression, you’ve probably heard that it runs in your family. You’ve also probably heard that means you don’t get a say in how you’re feeling.

Sometimes, mental illness can become the go-to explanation for why someone is feeling negative or making poor decisions.

Of course, there is truth to this. We know that it is possible to have a genetic propensity for certain mental illnesses. However, we also know that anxiety and depression are multifactorial.

Imagine you have a friend who wants to run a marathon. They come to you and disclose that they can’t get past mile eight. You go through all of the possible reasons why they can’t keep going. It could be biological, psychological, spiritual, social, educational or environmental. Which is the cause?

The answer is: It’s complex and interconnected. We probably don’t know the exact cause of why someone is struggling.

Assuming that a child or teen’s struggles are solely genetic or biological can also be more harmful than helpful. Labeling a child as genetically “programmed” for anxiety or depression can sometimes inhibit a child’s sense of progression because they may feel like there’s nothing they can do; it’s just “who they are.”

As parents and caring adults, we can help alleviate these issues by changing our approach to mental health.

Instead of blaming one cause or more for why our child is struggling, we can focus on what they need.

Dr. Matt Swenson, child psychologist and cofounder of EveryDay Strong, explains, “It’s often not helpful to use clinical terms or to define often what mental health is or isn’t — to say, ‘They have this kind of depression,’ or ‘You just have sadness, not major depression,’ or ‘I have anxiety.’

“It is helpful, on the other hand, to focus on what people need — and how we can help them support those needs. The most important person to meet the physical and emotional needs of a child isn’t a psychologist like me, with all of my training and experience. It’s a teacher, or a coach, or parents.”

Regardless of the mental or emotional challenges a child is facing, it is never too late to create a more positive relationship with them. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Create safety by sharing your own stories. Parents and caring adults can foster a safe environment by being vulnerable. Share your own experiences with anxiety or depression. These conversations don’t always have to have a clean ending or teach a lesson. A child will find comfort and safety just knowing that you understand how they are feeling.

Connect by asking sincere, specific questions. Children who are struggling can often feel like no one cares or that they’re a burden. Parents and caring adults can alleviate this by initiating conversation and asking specific questions about their feelings and experiences. Being specific about their circumstances shows a child that we notice them and care.

Build confidence by expressing confidence in them. When a child is struggling, it is common for a parent to try and fix the problem. While this is well-intentioned, it can take away opportunities for the child to practice competence on their own. Instead, try expressing confidence that they can overcome the challenge they are facing. Merely telling them you have confidence in them can often be sufficient.

Genetics can and does play a role in anxiety and depression. Regardless, we can help alleviate the implications of this by not placing our focus on the cause of negative feelings but instead on actionable steps we can take to help our children feel more safe, connected and confident.

United Way is on a mission to help every child in our community feel safe, connected, and confident. Twice a month in this space, we’ll be sharing ideas from local professionals, parents, and friends about how you can do that for the kids in your life. In the meantime, find us at everydaystrong.org, or on Facebook and Instagram.

This column originally published at https://www.heraldextra.com on Sept. 22, 2019.