She bent over.

AAAAAA!!!!! NOOOOO!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!

I hope none of you gasped reflexively or did anything foolish like that. If you did, you knew the consequences in advance–hours at the Instacare getting your ribs taped. Seriously, when did I become so fragile that I would need such advice? I’m not that old. I’m not even retired yet, that’s still 30 long months away, not that I’m counting or anything. But the other day I woke up and tried to get out of bed (never a good idea) and my stupid right shoulder really hurt and I had no strength in my arm. This lasted for several days.

You young people out there can help your older loved ones avoid a great deal of pain by helping them to take simple precautions. Just make sure that they never stand up, sit down, lie down and not eat anything except fiber, but not too much fiber (“No Mom, you know what happened on your birthday when you went wild and had that extra bowl of unfrosted mini-wheats). 

So, if you’re still young enough to engage in reckless activities like tying your shoes, be warned, your days are numbered. Or better still, don’t be warned. When a person is older (29) and is foolish enough to do irresponsible things such as to sneeze or lift a glass of milk then that person might be in for what the medical profession optimistically calls “discomfort.” Of course, you can stretch and exercise and do all of the right things, and you might turn out like my friend who is 82 and thinks nothing of going for a brisk 7 mile walk. Or you might surprise everyone by your sudden death. There’s no telling.

My personal rate of decay is happening much faster than I expected. I once gave my dad a book called something like, “Everything is Bad for You.” At the time, I thought it was funny. It is not. Standing is bad because of the stress on your arches and back. Lying down is bad because of the pressure points on your body and don’t even think about lying on your side, that will put everything out of alignment. Sitting is out of the question. This is so bad for you that doctors call sitting the new smoking. The book goes on and on. Eating fruits and vegetables will kill you but so will not eating them, and only an idiot would go out and enjoy the sunshine. 

I wouldn’t feel so bad (except for my elbow which is flaring up today) if only I looked better as I age so at least my vanity could be happy. Instead, when I look in the mirror, I can only wonder what kind of genetic malfunction is happening. I know I’m not alone. And so, I have a solution.

I think we all should adopt a sort of modified version of medieval times. We can still have all the modern conveniences, except lights. Flattering candlelight is obviously the only way to go. Think of the romance! Besides, long skirts and long sleeves hide years of late-night pizza. Hats benefit both sexes. Women can hide bad hair days (or years) and men can hide the lack of hair. Mirrors were a luxury back then too. So, if we increased the price of mirrors, by say, 10,000 percent, it would be a happier world. 

What is the point of all of this? Well, if you’ve had the misfortune of reading other things I’ve written, you know that there is no point. Besides, reading is bad for your eyes.

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s General Studies and Exploratory advising.