United Way of Utah County

The different phases of our child’s life bring different emotions to both the child and the parent.

It can be overwhelming as we try to navigate each stage as it is continuously changing. However, we can simplify a potentially stressful and difficult process by focusing on what our child needs.

Here are three simple ways that will apply to your child through all stages of their life.

1. Foster safety by validating their emotions

When a child begins throwing a tantrum on the floor of a grocery store, most parents’ first priority is to get them to stop. Despite this stressful situation, something we can try in that moment is to simply acknowledge their emotion. Saying something like, “I see you’re really frustrated right now,” or “I know that you’re sad.” Simply validating their emotion will help them be safe to feel.

Catherine Johnson, a licensed clinical social worker for nearly 42 years, has seen this in her own practice as she works with children in all stages of life.

“What I’ve found is if validation has been happening since a young age, the child can tell the parent their true emotions as they get older. I’ve had experiences where I’ll say, ‘I see you’re angry’ and they will stomp their foot and say, ‘No, I’m frustrated.’ They are more aware of their feelings and how to express them,” she said.

Invalidating emotions inadvertently tells a child that those emotions are bad. Thus, when they feel sad or angry, they won’t tell you or will cope in unhealthy ways.

Invalidating emotions inadvertently tells a child that those emotions are bad. Thus, when they feel sad or angry, they won’t tell you or will cope in unhealthy ways. Allowing your child to feel safe with their emotions, and validating them, is one important step for building lifelong resilience.

2. Connect through listening

When our children are going through hard times, no matter what stage of life they’re in, sometimes all they need is for someone to say they’ve been there too. We can relate to our child by saying something like, “I’ve felt like that too before. It’s so hard.” This can help our struggling child know that they’re not alone and that even their parents have gone through something similar.

“Talking to them about their emotions, or talking about your emotions, helps them understand that people have feelings. It also provides opportunities to teach appropriate responses to those emotions. If they’re happy, they can express their happiness, or if they’re sad they can figure out how to express that sadness appropriately,” Johnson said.

These moments of listening are great opportunities to teach healthy responses at a young age. On the other hand, as they grow older, we don’t always need to turn hard times into lessons anymore. When our child, especially adolescents, comes to us with a problem, our first instinct is to give them advice. However, they are usually more self-aware than we think.

One thing to try instead is the “duct-tape method.” This simply means the next time our adolescent comes to us about a problem, we pretend there is duct tape over our mouths; then we listen. Doing so will strengthen our connections as they know we care about what they are saying and feeling.

3. Build confidence by believing in them

Our children are going to have a lot of feelings through every stage of their life. Because we are loving parents, our first response is to try to stop our child from feeling sad or anxious. However, trying to take those feelings away may be more harmful than helpful.

We may not be able to change how they feel, but we can help them understand that those feelings are normal. One thing we can do is step back and allow them to work through it on their own, because they can. Merely being there and expressing confidence in them is enough.

We may not be able to change how they feel, but we can help them understand that those feelings are normal.

“Sometimes they just need to cry, and it’s okay to let your child cry. It’s okay to even cry with them. It’s okay to express your feelings that way. And I think that’s really important because they can start to tell you how they’re feeling or if they’re needing help,” Johnson said.

It is important that we don’t try to take away the hard times our children go through. Merely having and expressing confidence that they can figure it out will usually be enough.

Merely having and expressing confidence that they can figure it out will usually be enough.

Our children will face a lot in their life. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by trying to be the perfect parent in every phase of their life, we can focus on what they need: to feel safe, connected and confident. This will be an enduring and universal skill to buffer the difficult times our children face.